funky doo family

4 months in...

2012-02-05T11:12:00.000Z

Tomorrow is Isaac's 4 month birthday...

I haven't made it to church today because of the snow...and as I've pottered around at home, feeding Button, chatting to Bean, tidying and such like...I've been thinking about how far we've come.
I've blogged before about how things didn't quite turn out as we expected (here) with the birth and the early days and while there is an unquencable joy now that Isaac is here and we feel complete as a family, it has definitely taken it's toll, physically, emotionally, spiritually.
Being poorly over the last few weeks has given me lots of time at home...good in one sense, unhelpful too. I have a positive attitude to my days sometimes, usually at the end of a day I feel I've 'wasted', but often by the next morning I get taken over with the magnitude of the difficulties of getting out the house, looking presentable and so convince myself to do nothing, stay in, hibernate. Unhealthy yes, avoidable yes - but can I bothered to fight that feeling? At the moment, no I can't.
Isaac takes a lot out of me - he feeds 'aggressively', usually emptying me in 10-15 minutes and he feeds 7 times a day. He sleeps though, naps in the day usually morning and afternoon and that is such a blessing. We've just started dropping the dream feed at 10.30pm to see if he can go through from 7-7 and he's managed it, almost! He's such a chilled out baby, full of smiles and 'almost' laughing - I'm very lucky but I do think that the initial (and to some extent, ongoing) concerns about his weight have dented my confidence and ramped up the protective urges so that I'd rather stick with the safe and the comfortable.
As an Extrovert (ESFJ to be precise) it's intrigued me that I have so easily moved into a very introverted place where people actually tire me out. I have very rarely had that before and it's a bit upsetting. I know much of that is down to hormones and the huge rate of change we have experienced over the past few months...but it's none the less weird. I've been to a couple of baby groups in the last few weeks, but mostly they seem to have mums with only 1 child and so there's a different feel to the conversation. New, first time mums are anxious, understandably and I find it rubbing off on me. The upshot is that I haven't found going to those groups enjoyable so far. I am sure that will change but until it does I'm not going to force myself into that situation when I do have other people who are established friends, some with babies, some not and with whom I am much more relaxed.
The question for me, and I know for others who are watching out for me is "how long is it OK to go on feeling low"? Post Natal depression is a factor to consider...it looks so different in each person and I am wise to it..I know that I could do so much more to help myself, but I'm choosing not to, at the moment. We had a great day out in London last week to see my new boss Bishop consecrated but it exhausted me. A recent blip in relationship with some close friends has forced me to recognise that I don't currently have access to 100% of my emotional resources...and so incidents or unexpected issues knock me down much quicker than they used to. My juggling capacity is diminished and yet I know it will return.

Being at home, not feeling myself and all that has also been a real challenge to my faith too...we're embarking on a life which is going to see us moving from church to church over the next few years and although I know we will make friends, connect with people, grow in community, meet with People of Peace it's a very daunting prospect. For now, I believe God is speaking to me about establishing a strong family of faith, growing in prayer and worship in our own home and using our home as a space to welcome others and forge friendships in an 'extended family'. It's been a challenge up until now because of me not feeling up to regular hospitality...and frustratingly, the snow today has forced us to cancel a lunch with another family from church.
For us, the Order of Mission is very important in keeping connected, vulnerable, accountable and safe as we walk this journey in full time Christian ministry, with a role and expectations. To be connected to a Covenant Community who share the same Rule of Life, language and missional focus is a reality check in times when things are scrambled and don't make sense.
The Order of Mission is a place of challenge and I'm really grateful to those in that community who, even in my slightly fragile state at the moment, seek to help us through accountability and those tough questions.
So, 4 months in, lots has changed and I feel I am being moulded and reformed into quite a new creation - again! As a full time mummy, I get such a kick from the smallest things; when I was working it always seemed to be about bigger, better, more successful. But the mundaneness of being focused solely at home is starting to push my buttons in an unhelpful way and I'm praying for strength to gather myself together and face each day with renewed vision.
Isaiah 40:31 from the Message is the foundation I am standing on:
Why would you ever complain, O Jacob,
   or, whine, Israel, saying,
"God has lost track of me.
   He doesn't care what happens to me"?
Don't you know anything? Haven't you been listening?
God doesn't come and go. God lasts.
   He's Creator of all you can see or imagine.
He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath.
   And he knows everything, inside and out.
He energizes those who get tired,
   gives fresh strength to dropouts.
For even young people tire and drop out,
   young folk in their prime stumble and fall.
But those who wait upon God get fresh strength.
   They spread their wings and soar like eagles,
They run and don't get tired,   they walk and don't lag behind.

January Baking Days

2012-01-19T19:42:00.000Z

Have had a couple of opportunities this week to do some baking - always very therapeutic and enjoyable. Initially I needed to do something with a couple of age old bananas which were past their best (Andy won't eat bananas with ANY brown on them!). I found a recipe which I had obviously printed off the internet at some stage, omitting the title and it was only when I was looking for another favourite recipe that I came across it, read it through and realised it might be what I was looking for - something different to the usual Banana bread!

So I gave it a go:

Peanut Butter and Banana Muffins
275g plain flour
50g oats
1tbsp baking powder
2 eggs
75g light brown sugar
2 bananas
115g crunchy peanut butter
50g butter melted
250ml milk

Method: Preheat oven to 190/Gas 5
Fill a muffin tray with 12 paper cases
Mix flour, oats and baking powder in medium bowl and set aside.
In another bigger bowl, whisk eggs then stir in sugar, mashed bananas, peanut butter and melted butter.
Add milk and stir to combine.
Gently fold in dry ingredients - do not over mix.
Spoon mixture into muffin cases and make for 18-25 minutes until the tops are golden and spring back when gently touched.
Cool on a wire rack.

Review: These are quite a good breakfast muffin - they are not very sweet. You could add more sugar I think if you wanted. I did a dessertspoon of mixture in each case, followed by a teaspoon of Nutella (!) followed by another dessertspoon of batter to cover - tasty! I have also had one split in to with some extra Nutella sandwiched in! Naughty but lovely!

Second recipe I have made today - as I have some new school gate friends coming for a cuppa in the afternoon tomorrow. This is a recipe from Fellowship Afloat, where we lead our summer kids camp and they are the Kings (and Queens) of epic tray bakes. I chose this purely because I have everything needed for it in the cupboard and fridge so very cost effective!

Mocha Traybake
10 oz margarine
8oz self raising flour (I used wholemeal SR)
8oz sugar
5oz oats
4oz drinking chocolate
Icing
3oz margarine
12oz icing sugar
1.5 tbsp coffee essence (made from 2tsp coffee granules and 3tbsp hot water)

Grease and line a shallow baking tray or roasting tray - it doesn't need to be very deep and the base doesn't really rise.
Melt margarine in microwave or in saucepan.
Mix rest of ingredients in large bowl.
Add melted margarine and mix well to a firm, dark moist crumb mixture.
Press into a greased tray and spread evenly to the edges, making sure the whole area is covered and pressed together.
Bake in oven on low shelf for 20 minutes.
Leave to cool.

For the Icing, melt the margarine and blend in coffee essence.
Stir in icing sugar and beat to a smooth shiny paste.
Spread quickly over cooled base with a wet knife until evenly spread to the edges.
Leave briefly to set and cut into squares using a wet knife to prevent icing sticking.

Review: This makes a great nibble with a cuppa but also good for after a nice meal with coffee. You can cut the squares big or small and it travels well cos the icing is not too sticky. Nice crunchy texture with the oats and very moreish!

a busy, up and down January...

2012-01-18T13:50:00.000Z

Anyone stumbling onto the blog in the last few weeks will see that my December Daily posts stalled on 8th December. I don't think I even had a chance to think about them after that date. Looking back, I realise that was probably when I started to lose a sense of reality a bit. The first snuffly cold of the winter (first since Isaac's arrival too) set in, leaving me streaming and struggling to feed Isaac and blow my nose simultaneously!
In amongst 5th birthday preparations and other big events like Christmas, I never really stopped from that point on which was not a good place to be...
However, Christmas and New Year were lovely - a good mix of busyness which is to be expected as a church employee and time at home with friends and family. We had visitors for Christmas Day and my parents stayed from 26-28th December and then we headed to Northumberland on 29th to see the Smith side.
The travelling, late nights and not enough fruit and veg all took it's toll unfortunately and after returning from being with family at New Year, I had a week where I gradually felt worse and worse - sore throat, crazy tiredness - and after 2 months of no problems at all, breastfeeding suddenly became more difficult with a cracked nipple (oh. so. painful). I knew I was run down but it only felt like a bit of something rather than anything too serious.
Anyway, once the breastfeeding pain had been going on for a few days, I headed to an out of hours doctor one Saturday morning who prescribed various creams and medicine for me and Isaac, diagnosing thrush. He also suggested that he'd be prescribing bed rest if I didn't have another child at home because I obviously wasn't shifting a virus or something. When Isaac's paediatrician said the same thing at our hospital check up 2 days later, Andy put his foot down and forced me to solely sleep, feed myself and feed Isaac for the next 2 days. It certainly made a big difference to my capacity to be rational about life, which had been going a bit awry! It also helped big time with the quality of my milk and although I now (a week later) have ANOTHER cold, I am definitely a bit more myself.

Throughout all of this up and down time, Isaac has been doing really well. He's still a tiddler at only 10lbs at 14 weeks old, which is partly why the paed wanted me to focus on getting well as she thinks his weight will do a sudden leap at some point to catch up with his length! So, I need to be ready for that obviously! He still sleeps really well, 7-10pm and then dream feed through to 7am.

Matilda has had a run of colds and coughs and such like, never enough to be off school but enough to make her grumpy after school. I'm glad we don't have any after school stuff like swimming at the moment...it would be a running battle I think. She's been put into a stream at school for her literacy and numeracy for those who are more able or who need stretching so she also has a little more homework to do for that. Alongside her dancing school show on Sunday with a full afternoon of rehearsals the previous 2 weekends, it's been a busy January already.
Andy turned the big 3-1 last week, which kinda got lost in the bed rest and stuff...but he made his own birthday muffins which were delicious (better than I would have made anyway!) and got enough gift money to buy a bazouki which he's been looking at for a while! It's not yet arrived but I'm sure once it does we'll be losing him to his study/music room a bit more!
So it's back into some semblance of routine. Isaac usually has 2 big feeds first thing in the morning before school which then leads into a good morning nap so I can get up, dressed, ready and get some jobs done round the house. He has another nap after his lunch feed but is usually then awake for once Matilda comes home from school until bath time at 6pm. 3-6pm is a crazy time of the day but lovely cos we're usually all around at home and doing various bits and pieces. I'm trying to get to some baby groups locally but with being poorly it hasn't happened yet. It's a big thing - even someone as supposedly 'confident' as me finds it hard to walk in cold to a new group of people, even if we do have something significant in common. But I will try my hardest before the end of January to take the plunge, just for my own sanity!

December Daily - Day Six, Seven and Eight

2011-12-08T17:08:00.001Z

These last few days have been a bit of a blur to be honest... I have had to be at home a fair bit because of having the gardener in clearing the brambles and cutting back the front jungle too.
Andy spent a lot of Tuesday 6th in the kitchen, cooking ham, making pease pudding and soup too. It's his way of really relaxing, which he deserved after handing his essay in and finishing a manic weekend of church activities and events. I felt pretty tired through Tuesday and apart from a brief trip to find some mincemeat and to the postbox, I stayed in until the school run. I also had an early night...and Isaac slept from 11pm dream feed through to 6.45am which was wonderful! Hoping this is the start of something known as sleeping through!
I think by yesterday (Wednesday 7th) I was really beginning to get cabin fever and with the nights getting dark so early, it affected my mood. I'm pretty reluctant to take Isaac out unnecessarily when the weather is as cold as it has been so I needed to find another way to pick myself up a bit. So I got out my scrapbooking supplies and a couple of projects that I haven't looked at for a while and once Isaac and Matilda were in bed I had some crafting time.

Firstly, I did a layout for the 12 x 12 album that I am gradually adding to...it's a long process but I don't want to do scrapbooking because I should, just as and when I want to.
I did manage to get some practice in with my Cuttlebug die cutting machine which I haven't used much - and since I made some money selling maternity clothes on ebay recently, I spent my earnings on an alphabet set...hence the journalling on this page. Very pleased with the overall effect!

I also began a Christmas Annual album, to which I will add a Christmas family photo each year now that Isaac has arrived. When I was in Knoxville last September, I did a class at Scrappin' in the City boutique where I made a Birthday Annual album for Matilda (post here) and I will shortly make a similar one for Isaac. This served as a practice run.

So far I've only covered the pages and inked the edges and used my Crop a Dile to punch the holes. I'll go back to it soon and add embellishments etc. I've used the Echo Park Paper Everybody Loves Christmas set for the album which I got this time last year. Love the quirky designs and colours and the embellishment sheet is divine.

So today is Thursday 8th and Andy's day off. We headed to Maldon to visit some of his old work colleagues at Plume School and introduce Isaac. It was nice and strange to be back...we had lunch at the Oak House and a wander in the High Street too. Like old times!
Back home, Matilda and I watched Kirstie Allsopp's Handmade Christmas programme and Andy made yummy pizza for our family dinner. Yesterday's Advent Calendar tag was 'new toothbrushes' but I didn't buy a new one til today so Matilda is looking forward to using that tonight!
And another day is done...with the 5th birthday looming ever closer!

December Daily - Day Five

2011-12-06T15:48:00.001Z

Mondays are tricky at the moment - Andy heads for college around 6.45am and I have the challenge of getting Matilda, Isaac and I out of the house ready for school and doing the reverse too. I know for some people that is an every day occurrence and I don't know how they do it...I guess as Isaac gets bigger it will be easier. I was relieved this morning to realise that it's the end of term for Andy so he'll be around next Monday which is Matilda's last Monday for a while! Yippee.
Anyway, managed to get Isaac fed, twice; Matilda dressed, fed and ready; and myself looking half presentable by the required time. Then got home to feed Isaac again, only to be interrupted by the Diocesan Surveyor who had come to meet the gardener who was starting today. Our garden is over run with brambles at the back and down the front, the bushes caused a power cable to shear back in October so there is quite a lot of work to be done on it. The gardener was in all day and I made lots of cups of tea...
Andy got home a bit earlier than normal so we were able to have bath, bed and stories all together along with some Advent readings.
A chilled evening in front of the TV and an early nice...not a bad Monday after all!

December Daily - Day Three and Day Four

2011-12-06T14:27:00.001Z

This weekend was our Christmas with the Hodson side of the family...my sister goes to New York on 22nd December for 10 days so it's a bit different to normal when we all congregate in Surrey at some point in the festive season.
My sister Ellie, husband Ollie and Freddie arrived here mid morning on Saturday. I had been up and out at Tesco's by 6.30am which was a good move - well stocked shelves and tills were open which they aren't always when you shop at night. We weren't going for a big Christmas dinner - just a Mexican spread on Saturday night and Jamie Oliver's beef stew (from Jamie's Dinners) on Sunday lunchtime. So the shopping was minimal.
Chelsea were playing Newcastle - couldn't have planned it better if we'd tried! So the boys went off to the pub and a few pints and Ellie and I took the kids to Barleylands for a wander. They had a baby market running with cakes, Santa and face painting so that went down well!
Heading back home in time for another feed for Isaac and the arrival of my mum who got here just in time for Matilda's tea and all the kids being bathed and sorted for bed. Once that was done we could get on with the serious business of the evening - food, Secret Santa pressies and Lee Evans on DVD!

It was a great night, relaxed and fun, and a great start to the festive season! In fact, I thought we should pretend that one of us was going away for Christmas every year as an excuse to get the party started!!

Sunday was a busy one for Andy especially, after a week of late nights with essay writing, labyrinth prep and festivities last night. He headed off to church around 8.30am and the rest of us relaxed at home, walking into Shenfield later on for a coffee before returning home to have lunch by which time Andy was back too. We exchanged gifts for the kids - Matilda was very pleased with a Sylvanian families car and Meerkat family as well as a new dressing gown. Freddie was all kitted out for his trip to NYC with a snow suit and an etch a sketch to keep him occupied on the plane!

As always with Christmas, it was over too soon - but looking forward to hearing all about Ellie and Ollie and Freddie's travels in NYC and hoping they get some snow and get to ice skate at Rockerfeller!

December Daily - Day Two

2011-12-02T20:09:00.001Z

My day started at 6am when Isaac woke for his feed...the little button is gradually dropping the night feed by sleeping longer after the dream feed at 11pm...normality is resuming!
Matilda had a non-uniform day at school today and instead of paying for the privilege, her class had to take in sweets for the school Christmas Bazaar next Saturday (tangent thought - why is it called a Bazaar at Christmas but a Fete or Fair in the Summer?)
Andy had been up late finishing his first essay for College and so we slightly slept in...but Matilda (and Andy) made it to school on time, dressed, washed and looking presentable! I, however, didn't get moving quite as quickly - we had a visitor, Heather which was lovely and after catching up with her, Andy wanted my help with preparation for the Labyrinth this weekend. So it was after 12 by the time I got dressed...
The afternoon has ticked by with the school pick up, Andy heading off to set up the Labyrinth and tea, bath and bed routine. Now that both children are in bed, I'm starting to get ready for our visitors this weekend. Clearing the spare room of Christmas stuff, gifts and what not, wrapping some gifts as we'll do an exchange on Saturday night and putting up a few decorations. We usually wait until after Matilda's birthday to do the big 'decorate' of the house but since this will be our Christmas weekend with my side of the family, I have hung a wreath, some fairy lights and we will get some candles going tomorrow evening.
I'm going to do some cooking prep, make some gingerbread and depending on what time Andy gets back later also head out to a 24 hour supermarket. Much easier than with the kids in tow!
Isaac has been almost laughing today - as expected, this is directed mostly at Matilda! She was sitting on the low windowsill in the lounge watching TV and swinging her legs and he let out a loud but very happy gurgle...it's coming!!

December Daily - Day One

2011-12-01T15:54:00.001Z

Welcome!!
In the nearly 10 years that we've been married, Andy and I have cultivated our own series of Advent traditions, which are almost more important than the Christmas traditions which are kinda like everyone else's.
Having an Advent Candle and an Advent Calendar with Bible passage or reflection as part of that time together.
Eating a meal together every night.
Giving thanks in different ways - sometimes through giving donations or sending special gifts to people or acts of service (Andy was Santy one year at my work Christmas 'do!)
Last year we added Andrew Peterson's 'Behold the Lamb' album to that list which I had discovered on my trip to Tennessee in September. It has been played a few times already!

When Matilda came along 5 years ago, those fluid traditions gained a different and clearer perspective and now with Isaac on the scene, we're excited to have this first Advent together as a family of 4.
Last year I attempted, with some success, to blog daily on what was happening, our reflections on the season and telling some of the funny and important stories of our day. You can read them starting here or click on advent or december daily labels to the right.

So today - December 1st. Our niece Ellie's 10th birthday first of all - can't believe she is 10! She was just a babe in arms when we got married...time has flown and she's a wonderful, clever, kind girl and a very talented gymnast - tipped for Olympics in the future!

The day started well as Isaac slept til 6am - he's gradually stretching the time he sleeps in the night and currently has a dream feed at 11pm and wakes for an early morning feed, sometime between 5.30 and 6.30am.
Matilda was very excited about the first pocket in her Advent Calendar - made for us in 2006 by my aunt when she was just born. Today she got a shiny chocolate coin and a tag saying 'Family prayers and thanks with candles'. That will be our activity over dinner this evening.

After Matilda had been taken to school and Andy had taken to his study, I got on with some preparations for Smith Lane Hodson Christmas weekend. My sister Ellie, husband Ollie and their son Freddie are going to New York this Christmas so we're all getting together at our house this weekend to exchange gifts and have some family time together with my parents too. It's a collective effort with us all bringing different elements of the meals so it should be fun.
Andy had a break from essay writing and came with me on a visit to our local butchers, just a short walk away, to get meat for the weekend and we enjoyed some fresh air with Isaac in the papoose on Andy's front.
Matilda had a play in the park after school with her friends Oscar and Alfie.
Pray and give thanks night with the Advent candle at the dinner table went well, with Matilda wanting to pray first and praying for children who don't have a nice school to go to or have enough food.
Tonight, I've been helping Andy with ideas and planning for an Advent Labyrinth he's setting up over the weekend while he has been squirrelled away Essay writing - something about Athanasius!

Isaac Thomas Andrew - the arrival!

2011-11-02T19:43:00.001Z

He's here!
Isaac Thomas Andrew Smith, 6th October, 3.19pm weighing 6lb 4oz.

Surprisingly and significantly (see this post) arriving on his due date, 6th October, in a rather traumatic fashion, Isaac made his entrance! 10 days later as I begin writing this post, we're still recovering physically and mentally from everything accompanying his birth...which I'll summarise briefly here!

Having last posted here just before due date, Andy and I headed off to St Peters Hospital on the morning of Wednesday 5th October for my 'due date' midwife appointment, albeit a day early so I could see my regular midwife who doesn't work on Thursdays. The little things that had been problematic during previous visits - bit of protein in my urine, mobility issues with SPD etc. were all much better. Blood pressure duly checked, I hopped onto the bed to have the bump measured and hear the heartbeat. We were expecting that Squid would have grown as he was head engaged fully at the last visit which would have given him more room for growing in the space under my ribs...but he hadn't. I was still measuring 36-37 cm/weeks which was some cause for concern. Next, the heartbeat...usually something which is a fairly perfunctory exercise "there it is, all good..." but this time Lynne the midwife was counting carefully as to how many beats she could hear per minute. Even my untrained ear could hear that the pattern was accelerating and decelerating. Cue slight (read major) worry on everyone's part...
It was decided that further monitoring was needed so we spent the rest of the morning at St Peter's on the fetal heart monitor which was also measuring my blood pressure and for any signs of early labour or contractions. By the time that was done, the heart rate was much better but they were still concerned about his size and lack of recent growth so I was sent up to Broomfield to be monitored there.
Further heart monitoring and some measuring later and the midwives at Broomfield seemed happy to send us home, although with instructions that when I went into labour I was to come to the labour ward, not St Peter's. I had already realised that my plan of having both children in the same hospital under similar circumstances was not going to happen but I was still disappointed. Just as we were getting ready to leave, the midwife popped her head in the door and said she had chatted to the consultant on duty and would we mind if they did a quick scan just to double check measurements as my bump had been measured differently between the 2 hospitals...sure, no problem we said...
The consultant measured Isaac's head circumference and thigh bone as indicating 34 weeks - well outside the bracket for risk which was obviously pretty concerning so we were immediately booked to have a more detailed scan in the Ultrasound department...2 hours later. So we waited, drank coffee, ate pineapple and Andy did some 'teach yourself New Testament Greek' in the downstairs cafe.
By this time, my mum had been summoned from Surrey. It was just as well as our scan wasn't booked until 4.45pm, so she drove straight over (absentmindedly hitting 90mph on the A3!), picked up Matilda from school and managed to negotiate Chelmsford town centre! Eventually, when we got in for the scan, Squid was measured as being 35 weeks, estimated weight 5lb 4 oz and his amniotic fluid was low...most of it apparently being in his bladder which, according to the sonographer "is the size of the Pacific Ocean"! The most amazing thing about that scan was that the lovely sonographer invited my mum and Matilda in to the room too, so we have a picture of Isaac just the day before he was born...and the memories from sharing that unique moment all together.
So on heading back to the Labour Unit with all that information, we knew we wouldn't be allowed to wait long before seeing our baby boy! The Consultant told us she wanted to get him out soon, his weight and heartrate were a cause for concern but she gave us the option of staying in and being induced that night or coming back in the morning. There was a dawning realisation that we could potentially be having a baby, not only on the due date which is so rare but also on the exact same due date we had had with our twin pregnancy. It felt like such an opportunity - to redeem the 6th October as a day for celebration and new life rather than always remembering it tinged with sadness. So we opted to come back the next morning. At this point, in a curtained cubicle, both Andy and I were able to acknowledge our worry and fear but the massive sense of God's hand on the situation - how awesome is His timing and knowledge of all things. wow!
Dinner at Frankie and Benny's for the 4 of us, putting Matilda to bed for the last time as our only child and a repack of the labour bag later, we went to bed and slept fitfully before taking Matilda to school and heading back to the hospital. My poor mum was left to kill time at home.
Back on the Labour Unit, I was monitored for an hour, examined (lovely!) and then given the induction tablets internally. 1 hour of monitoring on my back again and then I was allowed to walk around. Within 1 hour I was getting contractions, initially making me want to sit on the toilet and then getting stronger and stronger as I walked and perched in different positions. I sat on the birthing ball for another hour or so as the contractions increased, listening to my iPod (Rend Collective, One Hundred Hours and Aretha Franklin as I remember!) and apparently singing in between and being silent while the pain was at it's strongest!
I had some dihydrocodeine as pain relief after a while and then, quite suddenly, I had a pain in my back and bottom which was entirely different to any labour pain I had had up til then or with my previous labour. It obviously worried the midwives too from my reaction to it and I was put back on the bed to be hooked up to the monitors again. Squid's heartrate didn't seem to be coping with labour and because it was getting so intense, they wanted to see how far dilated I was...after another examination, they found I wasn't dilated at all and from this point, it all became a blur.
I was in massive pain, screaming and shouting and aware of a lot more people coming into the room and it being quite frantic. Andy was with me to my right and a huge, tall, Nigerian doctor appeared to my left after a while to tell me that I needed to go to theatre to have a caesarean section and did I understand that? I was whisked down to theatre straight away - as I hadn't had any pain relief until then I was put under general anaesthetic because I had no break in contractions. This meant that Andy had to be outside, just watching through the window. Between me entering theatre (3.05pm, I looked at the clock!) and Isaac being born (3.19pm) it was all systems go and they didn't put me under for a good few minutes as they wanted to minimise the medication which might affect baby.
I didn't wake up until 5pm. I was in massive pain when I did and I remember hearing Andy talking to the doctors and nurses in recovery and telling them what had happened which filled in some of the gaps that I had missed. It took me a while to be able to speak and I had a mask on and various lines in my hands and arm. Back on the ward, they checked me out, gave me more pain relief and - hallelujah - tea and toast! We debated names for a bit, knowing that Matilda and my mum would be arriving for visiting hours from 7pm - we had promised Matilda that she would be the first to know so we had to make a decision!
*******
So, I'm finishing writing this account on 29th November - a full 7 weeks nearly since this all happened!! I came out of hospital 2 days later, very sore and with a tiny baby and still in shock really. So grateful for all the staff at St Peter's and Broomfield who looked after me and for the health visitors and midwives who have taken care of us all since coming home.
As of this week, Isaac is 7lb 9oz and beginning to smile and make various noises. He's sleeping well at night, waking only once but he does feed a LOT in the day. He's still only little so he's being kept an eye on but he's gaining weight consistently which is the main thing. We've had loads of help - my mum, Andy's mum both staying for a week here and there and other friends bringing meals, having Matilda and running errands. As I have healed, I've got back into driving, walking much more and starting to get into a weekly and daily routine which works for us all. Life as 4 Smiths is pretty cool - we're looking forward to making memories with Baby Button and our Big Girl Bean this Christmas and charting further developments on this blog. Sorry for the silence of late, but I'm sure you'll let me off!

39 weeks plus 5 days...

2011-10-03T21:06:00.001+01:00

Still here and still waiting...feeling increasingly uncomfortable really with achy legs and needing the loo ALL THE TIME. But I'm not yet at my due date so can't complain!
Pregnancy is such a strange time when all the usual ways that you would read your body just go down the pan - some of the aches and pains and other weird things I have had going on recently would usually have had me super worried, downing pain relief and potentially seeing the doctors...but somehow that doesn't seem as necessary with pregnancy. You can blame pregnancy for lots of these symptoms, but also explain them away and it's amazing how resilient you become when otherwise I might have moaned and groaned (more than normal!) I am being a bit more grumpy that usual, slower moving definitely and getting to be tired from around 5pm onwards, regardless of how much sleep I've had the night before or during the day. It's all good practice!

If you are connected to me on Facebook, you might have noticed that we've had some name dilemmas...our initial shortlist of 3 was pretty set for a good few months and then we had a random, middle of the night conversation when all of the previous names were ditched and we started from scratch again, ending up with an even longer shortlist of 6!! We're down to 3 again now but I'm so uncertain of any of them - I just don't feel the love like I did with Matilda Grace in terms of loving the name. Hoping that Baby Squid will be obviously one name or the other on arrival!

Our new church here in Billericay threw me a baby shower last Friday which was really lovely - a chance to meet some more people and get to know others better. The evening began with drinks and some fellowship and sharing stories which was lovely - a wide age range was represented with some women there who have had 4 or 5 children who are now very much grown ups and we also had some children of the women present who heard those natural stories of relationships, love, marriage, pregnancy, babies and all that which is so much more real than what they'd get in school or with their peers. The group then prayed for me and for the safe deliver of baby and for all the arrangements with M to go to plan and for us to settle into life as a family of 4. And we followed up with yummy desserts which everyone had brought to share. A night to remember and wonderful to share the story of our marriage and miracle pregnancies with our new church family who are so excited for the new arrival in their midst!
So, we're excited to meet baby Squid anytime soon...will keep you posted!

some more foolproof recipes

2011-09-26T14:49:00.001+01:00

Over the weekend, Andy was covering some more of my Youth Adviser work for me so was out all day Saturday. It's crazy to think that these dates for youth leader training (Equipping) and Growing Young Leaders (last Thursday) have been in the diary longer than I have been pregnant! But I'm very grateful to him (and Liz and Lucy too) for being willing and so enthusiastic to step in and keep things ticking over. I think they've enjoyed the experience?!

Anyhow, it meant that me and the Bean had a Saturday just the two of us which is quite a rare thing - and once we had got going over breakfast and some Cbeebies, she had her first dancing class of the new term. It's a class where they mix Ballet, Tap and Street Dance together which is right up her street and although she had a bit of an attack of the nerves just before going in, she had a brilliant time. The bonus for her is that the lessons are a full hour long which means she gets really 'in the zone' and also that the venue is literally opposite our house!

Once we'd got home and had some lunch we embarked on some baking - Damp Lemon Loaf Cake from Nigella's Domestic Goddess which I have made before (see this post)
I also took a risk and made Nigella's Fresh Gingerbread with lemon icing which is a stable part of our diet! (Good recipe and online review here) I say a risk because I was in the midst of making gingerbread when I eventually went into labour with the Bean, 12 days late! So it's always had a reputation in our household of being 'Matilda's gingerbread' and she gets a birthday cake of gingerbread every year! (for my pregnancy/maternity diary from nearly 5 years ago, you can check out my other blog here)
Half the gingerbread is now in the freezer for another occasion and half is - almost finished!

Yesterday, I also made a lovely Sunday dinner in the Crock Pot - a boneless pork shoulder joint with 2 onions, some italian seasoning and 2 cans of ginger beer chucked over - cooked for 6 hours and the juices reduced into a spicy and sweet gravy. Served with roast potatoes and green beans from my dad's garden. Again, half was eaten yesterday with the rest in the freezer for meals over the next few weeks. It was yummy - tender, sweet and sour in a way and so easy!

Pregnancy wise, I'm starting to get my head round potentially being pregnant for a good while yet - my due date is 10 days away and history dictates that I'll probably be late. I had wondered whether finishing work might get things moving as I stopped moving, but it hasn't happened yet! While it would be nice to be early or soon, there are no signs of anything happening as yet, apart from backache and just restlessness in the evenings but that is pretty normal. Baby Squid is measuring small (36 cm and I'm 38 weeks) - not in a concerning way but because it's head is now engaged it has a bit more room to grow and the midwives are hoping to see my bump size become a little more commensurate with my number of weeks by the time I see them next.
It gives us time to get a bit more idea of names...our initial shortlist has been scrapped, reinstated and rejigged quite a bit over the last few days and we have a shortlist now which isn't exactly inspiring me. I think I'm hoping for a name to smack me round the head, like Matilda Grace did but that hasn't come yet. So, baby Squid may be nameless apart from being a sea creature for a few days!

one week in...

2011-09-21T18:04:00.001+01:00

So, I'm a week into maternity leave, almost - so far it's been a good few days! I'm appreciating the fact that my day is bookended by the school run, not that I'm always doing that role but I am up and about to help with the lunches, getting dressed and hair trauma! Having the Bean back around 3.15pm is a new experience for us as we've had childcare for 4 years which usually ran til 4.30pm but we have been able to put in some baking, colouring, arts and crafts, playtime, watching a movie and a visit to Barleylands in that new window of time which is great. It's almost a pocket of the day that I didn't know existed!
Andy has had his first 3 days at St Mellitus College, starting his ordination training; 1 Induction and 2 lecture days. He's embarking on learning Greek and has an initial module on Christian Theology to start him off. With his new iPad in tow he is enjoying the student life and the London buzz as well as the various church activities he'll be involved in - men's ministry, a new group for Dad's and Babies (very convenient) and a variety of youth work. He's enjoying being at home more in the day I think and it's certainly reassuring for me to have him around as we wait for Baby Squid's arrival.
I had my 38 week midwife visit today which felt like more of a trek than normal (30 minute drive from new house to St Peter's Hospital where I hope to deliver...) as I am much more uncomfortable driving now. Baby Squid's head is engaged and although baby is measuring a little smaller than expected, there is no cause for concern as there has been growth since 36 weeks and it's expected that the space left by the shifting of the head will get filled by growth over the next few weeks - oh joy! Not sure I have any more room! In theory anyway, head being engaged means we're looking at D-Day being any day now.
I finally packed my bag, baby's bag and M's bag for the big event yesterday - and did a little bit of extra shopping today to stock up on the lovely necessities for after birth (breast pads and maternity towels...) and some snacks and treats to keep me, and Andy, going!

Just finally, to add to the recipe bank, I made a dinner tonight using a fresh spinach and ricotta pasta pack which I just cooked as instructed. I then made a sauce with finely chopped spring onions, green beans and mushrooms plus pesto (2 teaspoons) a tablespoon of cottage cheese and some cream cheese. Very yummy, M ate all the vegetables and it was a good portion size for the 3 of us.

Made today in Smith Kitchens...

2011-09-17T14:37:00.001+01:00

Korean Beef from this blogpost
http://elizabethbryant.blogspot.com/2010/05/korean-beef.html
This quantity is good for 2 people if you serve with just rice and small veg side. It could be stretched further with more red/yellow/green peppers added and with more sides like pak choi, asparagus or broccoli.

Turkey Meatloaf from this recipe
http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/ellie-krieger/moms-turkey-meatloaf-recipe/index.html
This recipe suggests using a big baking dish and forming the shape of the meatloaf within it. I think our mince is different to American ground meat and is a bit wetter so I used a 2lb loaf tin, well oiled and still put the tomatoes and onions over it. It fitted perfectly.

Also doing a Roast Chicken, with chipotle style crust which we'll have a bit of cold tomorrow and I'll shred and freeze the rest to have ready for Quesadillas, curries, salads etc. Then use the carcass to make some stock for soups and a Chilli/Bean/Chicken thing that I have in mind but need to find the recipe for.

House is smelling good and after doing a massive (£245 worth) shop this morning with 3 kids (only 1 was ours!), husband and bump in tow, I'm pretty pooped!

Maternity Leave - bulk cooking for 4!

2011-09-16T13:53:00.003+01:00

I started maternity leave yesterday and despite everyone's suggestions at just resting, sleeping and putting my feet up...I'm on a bit of a mission! Planning some cooking sessions while I still have just about enough energy and thought I'd post some of my planned concoctions/recipes on here in case anyone wants to steal them or adapt them.
Obviously, there is nothing special about these recipes - they have no special qualities other than being easy to prepare, easy to freeze and yummy without much effort at the other end.

So, starting off with a family favourite - I call this American Lasagne, only because it was given to me while I was in Tennessee last year and it is a layered beef and pasta dish. Officially, the recipe is called Company Casserole:

Winny Palmer's ( Arnold's wife) Company Casserole

1lb lean ground beef mince
1-2 cans chopped tomatoes (I prefer to use 2)
1 tsp. garlic powder
1 8oz. carton sour cream
1 " " cottage cheese
1 " pkg. cream cheese softened
(all these can be low or nonfat)
1 bunch chopped spring onions
8oz bag egg noodles or tagliatelle

Brown ground beef. Add garlic powder & tomatoes, simmer for 20 min.
Mix cheeses and spring onions together.
Cook noodles/pasta in salted water as directed on box.
Assemble: pour 1/3rd meat & sauce on bottom of 1 1/2 qt. casserole dish, place 1/2 noodles next, then 1/2 cheeses , 1/3 meat sauce, last half of noodles and cheeses and meat sauce to cover.
Bake 375F 190 C Gas 5 degrees on a baking tray in case of overflow.
45 min cooking time. let stand 10 min before serving.

This quantity has made enough for us 3 (2 adults and 1 child) to eat 2 days in a row - a massive portion on the first night and a good portion with salad on the second night! It is so good when it is left over for the next day. You can make this a day ahead and refrigerate, then bake it when you are ready to serve or it freezes well if you do the mince in advance and freeze in batches and then add the other elements when you're ready.

Enjoy!

Huddles, Building a Discipling Culture and 3dm resources

2011-09-07T16:05:00.003+01:00

As part of my job for the Chelmsford Diocese, I've had the privilege of gathering monthly with a bunch of amazing youth workers from across South East Essex for the last few years - mainly Anglican based but increasingly coming from other churches, organisations and charities. Called 'The Hub' we meet for mutual support, prayer, resourcing, training, input and much laughter, knowing we all come with the same passion for young people, mission and discipleship but from different contexts and backgrounds.

We've worked gradually through LifeShapes as a discipleship tool - for youthwork and for mission and for church leadership and it's been a really fruitful time. I've loved being able to share this Rule of Life with them and seeing people 'get it' and in turn seek God more and more for their journey and that of those they lead.

Yesterday, as it was my last 'Hub' before maternity leave, I decided to more formally introduce the concept of a Huddle - which is what we have been doing informally anyway! They just might not have known it! Huddles are a group of leaders who gather together specifically for ongoing support and accountability in the journey with Jesus. It's about developing Christ like character and leadership skills, being reflective and open and receiving and giving challenge. A Huddle leader helps those in the group process what God is saying to them and in turn release these leaders to be leaders themselves in their context.

Yesterday we used the material provided by 3dm on their website which is great stuff and stimulated lots of discussion, prayer and unpacking for us all at the start of this new term.

Incidentally, yesterday 3dm released their e-book version of Building a Discipling Culture which is a brilliant resource book, taking in all the stuff around LifeShapes and Huddles as well as applying that more widely to developing Missional Communities. There are 2 other books also released at the same time which represents the core content for building missional churches and communities, but the BDC book specifically is a second edition with almost 50% more content, focusing particularly on using Huddles.
I can't recommend it enough - as we begin our new ministry in Billericay it's our foundation of understanding of how Jesus drew people to himself and made disciples and it's what we should all be about. But it's practical too, easy to read, life changing and yet simple.
Get it here...

Big School

2011-09-06T21:37:00.000+01:00

Baby Bean started at Infant School today - all in a bit of a rush in the end. Because our housing circumstances changed, we applied at a late date for the school behind our new house...a Church of England school with outstanding OFSTED report. We didn't hold out much hope to be honest so were still prepared to do the 6 mile round trip twice a day to take her to her original school in Billericay.
However, yesterday we got a phone call to say there was a place for her and she started today! If she had gone to the other school as planned, she wouldn't have started til Monday and would have done half days til 10th October! But she's straight in here, full days and she's loving it so far!

We're very proud of her - there has been a lot of change over the last few weeks, with more to come and she has taken it mostly in her stride. She was excited this morning, happy when she knew her teacher's name and came home having made a few friends, just not remembering all their names as yet! Highlights seemed to have been having to put her hand up when the register was called and also eating her lunch at a long bench in the school hall!
So, one milestone is reached and we watch and wait to see how this new life in education works out for her. For us, as long as she thrives and develops a love of learning, alongside her already well formed love of books, music and creativity, we'll be happy.
And this little girl becomes a big sister in just a few short weeks - wowzers!

moving on and moving out...

2011-08-03T21:55:00.002+01:00

We're in the midst of packing and sorting and clearing and causing our own brand of chaos...we move in 10 days to Billericay. Having had the boxes delivered on Monday evening, we've now had 2 very full days of packing, both here and at my office and we're a bit fed up and hot and bothered so I've retreated upstairs while Andy catches up on Smallville.
Although I say we move to Billericay, we'll actually be living in Hutton, in a rented property because our house purchase fell through in mid July. It was an incredibly frustrating time, considering we had got so far down the road and were almost at the point of exchanging contracts. But our vendors were not very honest with us and chose to only 'fess up that they hadn't anywhere to go on 11th July...by which time our hopes of finding another house to buy were pretty remote. It did feel as though things were all falling apart very quickly; we'd sold our house in April and everything had been progressing without a hitch since then. So we chose to still sell as our buyer was secure and ready to move and take a risk on finding a rental property...which initially meant we were going to be homeless as we couldn't afford anything!! But we've ended up with more space and a long term rental through my job which is a great blessing and we hope to be able to buy an investment flat or something similar (camper van?!) in due time.
It's been a pretty stressful time all in all - with some amazing glimpses of the hope that is before us. It's been challenging to focus all the time on WHY we are doing this and not just the stupidity, cost and sheer exhaustion of it!
The next few months hold some massive milestones - moving being the first one and one which will take a while to recover from probably! Next Andy and Matilda head to Greenbelt for a long weekend, just the two of them before they both start in education on 12th September and Matilda becomes our eldest child sometime in September/October!
Andy and Matilda will both 'go to school' on 12th - Matilda to infant school which she is VERY excited about. Andy on the other hand will be on a train to London, (South Kensington to be precise) to start at Vicar Factory at St Paul's Theological Centre - he'll be there every Monday in University terms, plus 7 weekends and 2 residential weeks each year. Another 3 days will be in placement at the church in Billericay where we will worship as a family and he'll have a day of private study too.
My maternity leave starts on 15th September and with all the busyness of Falcon Afloat last week, alongside a very busy July generally, I shall certainly be ready for it! At the moment I'm planning to be back at work in April 2012 but am going to be flexible with that and just enjoying being at home, doing the school run and being a Mummy 5 years after this all began with Matilda!

So hopefully, I might have more time for blogging but for August, you'll certainly have to bear with us and maybe we'll get back to more reflective and regular service in September. But then again, I may have my hands full!

The Ordination journey continues...

2011-06-16T11:35:00.000+01:00

We heard this week that Andy has been selected to begin training for ordained ministry after a successful National Selection Conference at the end of May. It's been a long journey - it was more than 10 years ago when he was first encouraged to consider that God might be calling him to this - so blame Fr Tim Jones if you so wish!! We've been exploring the call in different ways ever since.
It was 2 years ago when it really all became clear that now was the time to pursue it. After a family day out at Great Notley at the tail end of a back injury that I had suffered, we found some space and time to think during one of Matilda's naps and came to the conclusion, from different perspectives that the call was still 'live' and the time was now.
So after monthly meetings with the Diocesan Director of Ordinands, a practice selection conference weekend at Audley End, interviews with Archdeacon and Vocations Advisers and lots of paperwork - as well as copious prayers, tears, stomach churnings and other associated nervous twitches, we finally got the call to say 'YES', 12 days after the selection conference had finished!

What now? Well, the house is sold in Maldon and we're moving to Billericay so Andy can easily get into London for training/lectures one day a week at St Paul's Theological Centre (part of St Mellitus College). We'll be based at Emmanuel Church, Billericay where Andy will serve as an ordinand on placement and learn the ropes for 3 days a week. Another day a week of study and some family time and his week is complete! He finishes at Plume School at the end of August and we hope to have moved in early August, giving enough time to get the house in order before my husband and daughter both start in education!!
Lots to do before then - the practical things of packing and clearing out and downsizing as well as the emotional elements of saying goodbye to friends and moving on from the youth group we started last year...we're not going far but we are moving into a very different way of life...
And then there's just the small matter of Baby Squid arriving sometime in late September/early October...so plenty to keep us busy!

you can follow us on twitter: @funkydoofamily or @bigblueandy

(maybe this is more Andy's style?!)

all will be well and all will be well

2011-04-12T21:54:00.000+01:00

and we are all well - despite the total silence for 3 months! Blimey!

There has been a reason - and one which we're only just able to go public with:

Just a little while after my last post on our membership of the Order of Mission we discovered we were pregnant again - and after last year's sadness have kept it quiet until the all important 12 (or in our case, 13) week scan.

Added to that the waves of nausea, complete tiredness and inability to concentrate and screen time was something I kept to a bare minimum for work purposes!

But we are pregnant, everything is going well and we're starting think positive about this new arrival - currently named Baby Squid. (M was Little Prawn because of a description in a pregnancy book about what she looked like at 8 weeks when we found out she was coming, so we're continuing the seafood theme!)

Other events in the last 3 months:

Andy went skiing with 4 mates to France for his 30th birthday:

I went to Scarborough for a few days to catch up with friends and family:

I have been away a fair bit with work which has been interesting and exhausting in equal measure. Our house is on the market, with only 2 viewings so far. Andy has got through his sponsorship interview and is now confirmed on a selection conference (BAP) in May. Matilda has been assigned her school place in Maldon for September, even though we hope we'll be in Billericay by then...

We now have a group of 10 young people in our youth group each week which we run jointly with the URC and we hope to join with the Methodists too in the Autumn when we move on.

Our nephew Freddie is now 8 months old:

and we're due another niece or nephew in August, courtesy of Ian (Andy's brother) and Ange in Scarborough:

We just got back from a weekend in Sherwood Forest with the RB's and are thinking about getting a camper van. We also booked our summer holiday to the Yorkshire Dales and M and Andy are going to Greenbelt at the end of August...so much fun is planned!

Hmm, not much else to report without going back eons...I'll try and be better in future but obviously, won't be promising anything too grand!!

M at rehearsel for her dance show...cute!

Flu, faffing and TOM

2011-01-10T15:41:00.001Z

Apologies for the lack of posting. My December Daily rather fell off the perch with all the travelling and staying in different places over Christmas and then I got flu - only just back in circulation today...

This is the text of a post I've just done over on my other blog www.alisssmith.typepad.com about the events of this weekend...Happy New Year!

The Order of Mission

Saturday 8th January in the late afternoon, 5pm, St Mary's Walthamstow.

A bit of a milestone in the Smith Family journey.

For a couple of years now we've been exploring The Order of Mission - a new monastic movement of pioneering missional leaders in a variety of contexts, working in a dispersed way across the globe. Sounds pretty exciting huh?

The process for us has involved being in a Huddle as an expression of accountability and as the place where the relationships and the Rule of the Order is caught, not taught. We've had an Exploration weekend where we've met with others on similar journeys and talked, prayed and reflected on whether this is the right step for us and our family. And on Saturday, along with the Ashtons and Jeanenne, we took Temporary Vows into the Order of Mission, joining with 420 other people across the world. It was a great day!

But why??

Andy and I have been together 10 years this year and for the entirety of our relationship, youthwork and church ministry of one kind or another has been at the centre. We've had our ups and downs and haven't always felt settled in church - some of that is just because youthwork is often on the margins. However, we have been saddened, knowing that we and our church families have often sold out to the comfortable ways and the religiosity rather than getting on with the call to make disciples. In the back of our minds through all that was the knowledge that Andy had a call to ordained ministry, but for a long while that wasn't a NOW call but a future call.

When we moved to Essex 2006, we began relating with Andy Poultney and his wife Linsey through my work. They had been Temporary members of TOM for a number of years and we began to hear more about the Order and particularly LifeShapes which act as the Rule of Life of the members and are a great discipleship tool. They took Permanent Vows in 2010 and took on the leadership of the London Huddle of which we're a part and Andy P and I increasingly used the LifeShapes tools in our mentoring and training of youthworkers.

We started engaging with a Huddle in 2009 and I also attended Pilgrimage up in Sheffield which was the birthplace of TOM. In the summer of 2009 the previous call to Andy towards the priesthood became very much live and with that process of discernment taking off, we knew we needed to root ourselves in a place where we could honestly work through all the big decisions and to provide stability as we moved churches and contemplated further moves for Andy to train in the future.

We acknowledge that we've often felt out of place in church - finding often that we're questioning and pushing at the boundaries which makes us appear mutinous and rebellious and sometimes just downright awkward! But in that, we love the Church, the Bride of Christ and want to see her become all she can be - transforming communities and offering hope and life in all it's fullness. TOM is an Anglican Order - with the Archbishop of York as one of the Guardians and for us, it's important to be rooted in the established and the longevity of the Church of England while also being part of a new monastic movement. We're Anglicans but we're also Jesus followers first and foremost and TOM is Jesus focused not denomination focused. TOM has allowed us space to come to terms with who we are and why we often feel frustrated, which stops us becoming divisive.

LifeShapes provides a guide for referencing the way Jesus did things alongside our own life. We've particularly resonated with the SemiCircle in our marriage and putting it first and the Triangle as we've started a new house group and youth group in our current church.

So, Saturday was a stake in the ground and as we take further new steps into Andy's ordination selection process and look at selling our house and moving in the future we're glad to be part of this wider family that will carry us through.

Bob Hopkins spoke briefly at the Initiation and encouraged us to:

Do Nothing - out of vain conceit, value others above yourselves. Have an attitude like Christ Jesus.

Do Everything - without complaining, as children of God, blameless and pure and shine like stars as you hold out the word of life.

Clothe Ourselves - with humility, compassion, kindness...

(Pictures to follow...)

As a PS to the event above, after the service, we all headed to South Woodford for a pizza (30 of us!!) - parking in Waitrose car park where we were later locked in and so had to have an impromptu sleepover in East London! 11 of us stranded but all home safely by Sunday lunchtime!

December Daily - 20th and 21st December

2010-12-21T23:14:00.001Z

So I'm sitting in my arm chair at home at just before 11pm on Tuesday and we've just decided we're not travelling to Northumberland tomorrow after all. We've had no more snow here in Maldon but we have had temperatures of -7 and very icy so it's been a family obsession to watch the weather forecasts online and on TV. Matilda even got into shouting at anything white on the British Isles map!
We've spent the evening packing, cleaning, sorting and what not but the weather forecast at 10.30pm showed that Thursday will probably give us a better chance of arriving in daylight hours and without too much delay...so here's hoping we've made the right decision.

The last 2 days have been quiet but with plenty of activity.

20th

Matilda had her nursery Christmas party with the arrival of Father Christmas with gifts for every child. She came back sweating having thrown herself into every game and activity and had a thoroughly wonderful time with all her friends.

Andy has been finishing off the Priesthood Project that he has been writing for the Director of Ordinands as part of his selection process.

When M got back from nursery we did some art and craft (I did a scrapbook layout and M used my scraps and some birthday bits and pieces she was given to make cards).

I wrapped all the Christmas presents on my ironing board in the spare room - a genius method stolen from my clever mother in law! Saves my back and the wrapping is much neater!

Matilda did not have a very good night last night - night terrors and a bit of sleep walking of a kind...appearing in our bedroom at about midnight and then sleeping in our bed until Andy finished writing his essay at about 2am.

21st

Matilda was tired this morning so we opted for a quiet day. Our friend Chloe came for lunch and a catch up and the computer man came to fix the laptop (new hard drive).

M and I baked and decorated ginger Christmas cookies and also watched episode 1 of The Nativity on BBC1 which is on all this week. So many questions - she's essentially only interested in Jesus and when he is coming. She was also wondering about the magi and the stars and how they can follow them when it's daytime - a good question I thought!

When Andy got back from his DDO appointment, he and M had a first go at a Duplo set she'd got for her birthday and she was excited by her Advent calendar tag which today said "new book and 3 books at bedtime".

Now that we know we're not travelling tomorrow we're thinking about what to do with an extra day at home - perhaps lunch out or the cinema or maybe a nice walk and a pub somewhere...will see what the weather does!!

December Daily - 19th December

2010-12-20T18:09:00.000Z

We battled to church despite the fact that Market Hill was closed and found we were one of the chosen few to have arrived in one piece. Apparently a few people gave up on the way.

As our lunch guests were unable to make it, we opted for the same planned menu but just eating a little later, eventually sitting down around 2.30pm for beef stew.

Our annual Christmas do (we do a drinks do or a party every December of one kind or another) was going ahead tonight - regardless of the weather. We lost a few guests, mainly those from further afield than Witham who didn't want to face the icy roads later on. But we did have a goodly gaggle of carol singers arrive at 8.30pm from CGC, many of who where in our youth group when we attended that church. It was amusing to think that we had more people in our house last night than we amassed for Family Eucharist this morning!!

The food table...before the hot food came out. The highlight was definitely the gorgeous cheese selection from Maldon Deli along with the baked fig ball to go with it. Fabulous!

After all the clearing up, I sat down to relax a bit and watch the final of The Apprentice and see Stella English crowned the worthy winner. A great series, enhanced by Stuart Baggs and I thought Lord Sugar was more personable this series - softening in his old age!

Baked fig balls YUM! http://www.seggiano.co.uk/products/04cheese/figs.html more info if you'd like it!

December Daily - 18th December

2010-12-19T07:53:00.000Z

18th

Definitely getting more into this writing bug now...I'm writing about Saturday 18th December on the morning of Sunday 19th - it's cold, dark and snowy outside but me and M are in the lounge, tree twinkling away and she's having her breakfast and watching the Tweenies before we get ready for church...but enough of that til tomorrow!

After quite a late night of ironing, babysitting, tidying and sorting and chatting to Andy on his return from the 'Ordinand's Christmas Do', I was granted an unexpected lie in! M came in about 7.15am, went into Andy's side of the bed and then he got up and went downstairs with her...next thing I knew, it was 9.40am and I hadn't even stirred from my original position!! Downstairs, Andy was making the Christmas batch of chilli jam and immediately required my handwriting skills to do the labels!

As Andy has an essay to write for Tuesday, I took M into Maldon where we hung out at the Church Mini Market, had a cuppa and a cupcake, bought a few last minute gifts and chatted with church people and others who were milling through the church. It all felt very Christmassy, cold and frosty, Christmas carols, a certain frivolousness that led to M being given quite a few bits for free from the stalls. We staggered back down the High Street with a huge teddy, a new barbie (50p!) in a customised knitted red ball gown, cupcakes, strung fircones, books and some handmade jewellery...and collected our cheese board from the Deli and also got some milk as everyone else seemed to be buying.
We got home just as it started snowing - and it settled very quickly. Pretty soon after that, Andy's Street Pastoring shift was cancelled and the friends we were having for lunch tomorrow cancelled too because they are stuck in Birmingham. We spent the afternoon watching Ballet Shoes, Elf and the Strictly Final as well as reading a good number of M's new birthday books and playing tea parties with the new toy additions from this morning.

Pleased with the Strictly result - well deserved winners. I love a good romance and I hope that the media give Kara and Artem a chance to find whether their relationship can continue beyond Strictly. And please don't do a Hello cover, OK!

M was such great company today - chatting easily with all manner of people at Church, telling them about her birthday and her party and what she's looking forward to about Christmas. She choreographed dances that we all had to do alongside the competitors on Strictly and she involved herself fully in everything going on...shouting 'how rude' at Craig's scores and commenting on the skimpy sparkly dresses of the Professionals! In the words of our other favourite programme of the moment: "Such Fun!"

December Daily - 17th December

2010-12-18T15:24:00.001Z

17th

FRIDAY!! I love Fridays cos I get a day with M on my own and we have fun and relax and catch up with each other and things around the house.
But it's the end of term and the end of the year and that means Equipping submission dates. This is a year long youth leader training course that I deliver in the Diocese which includes 4 sessions and a folder of evidence, leading to the Bishop's Certificate in Youth Ministry. So I had 2 visits yesterday at home from people handing in their folders - a flying visit from one and a cuppa tea with the other!
Matilda and I had some craft time, I made some more of my flower/tag/wrapping embellishment things and M used some stickers and cards and scraps to make all sorts of wonderful things! We're really adding to our collection of the handmade this year with our decorations which is lovely! We sat at the dining room table for over an hour and a half, without any music or much chatter and part way through, M commented "I like it when we keep quiet sometimes!"...it was a special moment.
Andy finished school at lunchtime and after a 'do' for the staff he returned home and then went off out to Halfords to pick up a part for M's new bike and also to buy a new shirt or jumper for his Ordinand's Christmas do tonight. Both bits of the trip were successful!
I had a friend's son here to sleep while they went out on a date night so tackled the ironing and caught up on the TV I record which Andy isn't interested in. A lovely chilled out day and a great start to the holidays!

The Smith's Christmas Eatings - our 2010 letter...

2010-12-17T15:45:00.002Z

This newsletter design generated with Smilebox

December Daily - 8th - 16th December

2010-12-17T15:40:00.002Z

8th - Youth Group tonight, all about 'Why bother being a Christian?'...we also got excited about our Christmas party next week, discussing games and food and decorations. It was decided (by the kids!) that we would definitely have our Christmas tree up by the 15th so we will put it up the day before Matilda's birthday...breaking a 4 year tradition!!

9th - We attended our first Victorian evening as a family tonight...M was born on a Victorian evening 4 years ago nearly. They happen on the first and second Thursdays of December and Maldon High Street is transformed into a hive of activity, lots of stall holders and shop keepers dressed up in Edwardian and Victorian dress, caps, aprons, dresses, suits....there are hog roasts, chestnuts, gifts, games, crafts and a general Christmassy atmosphere. Matilda loved it, especially the free sweets they gave away at different places and the fairground rides she got to go on!

10th - Matilda's birthday weekend; Ellie and Ollie and Freddie arrive, we have a trip out to Maldon Deli and then E&O babysit for us while we head out to the TOM Christmas Huddle in Walthamstow.

11th - A relaxing and sunshine filled day. Walk at Prom, Mexican lunch, Tiptree Cheap Shop for cake decorations, Strictly Semi finals, Roast Lamb, cake decorating and party preparations.

12th - 4th Birthday party. Great fun had by all, 10 kids, assorted adults, lots of iced gems, jelly, little sandwiches and the usual games...Matilda loved every minute and was so tired when we got home that she fell asleep standing up! She was Jessie the Yodelling Cow Girl from Toy Story - and we had various other Disney Characters attend too!

13th - all of us, pooped! Could not get up this morning, after all the busyness of the previous few days and the excitement too, it all caught up with us. We did manage to all get to work, school and nursery and also to buy our Tree and decorate it!

14th an early start for M's birthday itself, with a few presents in bed, a new dress to wear and the excitement of a new bike too! The rest of the day went as normal with M at childminder's, Andy at school and me at meetings with the Bishop's Team and one of the youthworkers I supervise. In the evening, we had an easy pasta dinner at home before putting M to bed - not until she'd had all her new books read to her though! We then headed out to my work's do with the Bishop's Team and partners which was a bring and share dinner...we brought dessert since we had already eaten earlier and shared the seriously sinful Girdlebuster Pie from Nigella's Christmas.

15th Normal day on many levels, followed by the Random Youth Christmas party at ours. Highlights include Pass the Parcel with forfeits, Ibble Dibble game, the After Eight game and a gorgeous Malaysian curry brought to the table by 2 of the group..yummy! Lots of laughs and relaxing time together to end the first term that this group has existed...they are a blessing and a highlight of our week! Thanks lovelies!

16th I finally managed to finish the Christmas cards today - all written, addressed, stamped and posted. Our emailed Christmas newletter was also scheduled to go out today (I'll link to that in a seperate post.) Our Advent Calendar pocket contained the tag labelled 'Mummy Daughter Date' as I was attending a Craft afternoon at M's nursery which was great fun and lovely to see her 'hosting' me in her special space with her friends...we then headed into town, covered in glue, glitter and paint and stopped off at the library and the Deli for some more quality time together. The day finished off with our friends Louis and William coming for dinner which was most enjoyable and I trialled a new recipe on them - Cider Chicken with Mushrooms and anchovies which was yummy.

There we go, all caught up...no wonder I'm tired, when I read it all back I haven't really taken a breath until today! Love Fridays - hope you're having a good one, whatever you're up to...xx
Back tomorrow!

getting behind...

2010-12-17T08:44:00.000Z

Despite my best intentions for a December Daily blog series, I've got behind...4th birthday and a house of visitors scuppered the weekend a bit and I haven't had any time til today to even sort photos out, let alone write anything...

I'm hoping to get back on track as I want to journal these days, as much for myself as anyone else and so I'll be back with December Daily 8-17 December...and hope to keep it up after that too!

For now, here's a few pictures of the birthday girl who turned 4 on Tuesday...

sofa snuggles

The Princess Castle cake - thanks for Ellie and Ollie for their decorating and creative strategy!

The Birthday Girl's bike - at around 6.30am on her birthday!

We had all day present opening - before and after nursery and the day after too!

December Daily - 7th December

2010-12-08T21:25:00.000Z

7th December

An unremarkable day in many ways - work, meetings, time with youth workers. Andy was at school, Matilda at her childminders. But still a lovely day with some hilarious and special moments...

I did manage an extra hour at home just before picking them both up when I prepped dinner which meant we could all eat together which is one of our daily aims of Advent. I did a variation on this Three Bean Chilli recipe from Rachael Ray which we had with polenta.
Matilda and I had some lovely snuggle time, curled up on the sofa and chatting about all the craft she is making at Yoriko's and nursery before she went up for a bath. Her eczema is not great at the moment so her baths contain Oilatum and she is slathered in aqueous cream all over afterwards.

I then had a night out at a Scrap Happy Crop which I have been to once before. I finished a few of my ongoing projects, including an album for my nephew and a little something for my dad too who is having a little op on Friday. My newest kit arrived today aswell:

Look at all those lovely papers and colours...can't wait to start playing this weekend!
December is flying by...crikey...

Catch up on Reverb10

2010-12-07T23:04:00.002Z

I've got a bit behind on the Reverb prompt over the weekend, so with an hour or so at home before I need to pick up M, thought I'd catch up!

December 6 – Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it? (Author: Gretchen Rubin)
This is an exciting prompt - I had a night on Thursday of making and creating - and one of my previous posts covers this. Tonight I'm heading out to a Crop, a name for a scrapbooking workshop where I'm going to continue working on a few projects, ornaments and a layout too hopefully. I'm excited about having this time cleared in the diary and am really glad to be taking my friend Emma long with me and hope to convert her to scrapbooking ways!

December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? (Author: Alice Bradley)

We let go of our twins :-( see post here

December 4 – Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year? (Author: Jeffrey Davis)

It's pretty important this year that we 'get it right' in terms of Christmas preparations and telling the story. It's the first year that M has really got it and so we want to make sure that we use every opportunity to talk about the Christmas story and it's impact on our lives, not just now but forever. We're being intentional about preparing for Christmas in both tangible and personal ways, in our hearts and in our home. We're reading Christmas stories, having evenings with candles and music and chatting time and making sure we eat together as often as possible, breakfast and dinner.
How we'll continue that into 2011 and 'normal' life again I don't know. She enjoys the creative prayer times we have, sometimes in the bath, sometimes with drawing, sometimes singing or listening to Bible stories on CD together so we'll continue that. Also her appreciation of nature and creation is huge so we will do things to encourage and develop that.

December Daily - 6th December

2010-12-06T23:01:00.000Z

6th December
Back to normal today after the snow week - all of us back to work, school and nursery.
I had a breakfast meeting and a lunch time meeting, followed by a blood test then back to Maldon to get M for her class at 4.30pm so it's been a manic day.

Matilda had her final dancing lesson of the term and was very pleased with the card and chocolate she received from her teacher!

We had dinner at home altogether, with our Advent Candle lit and Matilda and I read The Camel who found Christmas as her bedtime story. We had a lovely conversation and prayer time as she was asking about people who didn't think Jesus loved them and how she wanted them to know that He was looking forward to seeing them at Christmas! It felt like a bit of a lightbulb went on for her tonight and we prayed for children in the world who don't have as many toys as she does.

I have been at PCC tonight - really not something I want to record here in detail, but I was glad to come home and have my first Amaretto Sour of the season. Yummy!

December Daily - 5th December

2010-12-06T22:52:00.000Z

5th December
A brief one today:
Harry Potter last night was brilliant, late night tho...
Sleepover with 3 kids in the house...earliest riser was 7.15am, not bad!
Breakfast, Advent Candles, Calendars with 3 chocs all ready so no-one was left out.
Church All Age service, Hot Chocolate at the Oak House, sandwich lunch at home.
Out to Billericay Christmas Market - stalls, carols, cafe, all sorts of entertainment...
Home for pasta, Strictly and early night...

December Daily - 4th December

2010-12-04T18:31:00.002Z

4th December

Firstly, back to yesterday - we had a great night out with our chums, K&S and L&K...really fun, great food, Christmas is coming!!

Already I'm enjoying the discipline of taking photos every day and noting the important and significant small things...it's bringing out the joy in everything, especially in this special time leading up to M's birthday and beyond it to Christmas.

Up early enough this morning to watch Strictly It Takes Two from last night, do the Advent Candles and Calendar and come to slowly!

Andy headed out to an accountability session with a guy from church and then a music practice for the service tomorrow. I've been straightening out the house ready for an estate agent to come and value it for us - all part of the process of preparing for a possible move and change of direction next year if Andy is selected for ordination training.

A chilled afternoon including some baking and some sorting of the garden and preparing food for us and the arrival of the Baguettes for dinner - the 3 kids are being babysat while we adults go out to see Harry Potter, finally, at the cinema!

Today has felt like a metaphorical semi-colon in the week; ...the snow coming down and causing us to stop our plans and schedules, in itself has caused me to go a bit frantic thinking about what I could do with this newly released time. I've realised I have still overstuffed the days a bit too much, worrying that I might not get these free days again and so I should use them wisely. Today, I just lay on M's bed in her room while she laid out her building blocks to make a castle for her princess bath toys and we chattered and she got into her zone of playing and we listened to the Big Bible storybook about Mary being told she was to be the Mother of Jesus;

and I closed my eyes...probably only for 10 minutes or so but it was so necessary and I feel better for it.

Reverb10 December 3rd

2010-12-03T16:39:00.000Z

Reverb10.com December 3 – Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors). (Author: Ali Edwards)

Standing on the decking at Fellowship Afloat, watching 22 young people and assorted leaders building and sailing rafts. I had just been off site doing some admin work in my role as Overall Leader for the Falcon Camp and returning to this scene reminded me of why I do what I do.
Pretty much from January onwards each year we are recruiting and training leaders, booking in kids and liaising with their parents and youth leaders and preparing for camp - and in this week in July, everything comes together. The screams of delight, laughter and cries of mock distress and the smell of oilskins and stinky mud and the clang of sail wires on masts is all around - and there is a feel of community, of fun, of challenges being met head on and young people being released...many of them come from difficult backgrounds and this week away brings many of them out of their shell and realising their potential for the first time. Also through the concern, compassion and input from the leaders, many realise that God loves them.
I felt alive in this situation because I had such a sense that THIS was what God had called me to do. Youth work, releasing leaders, encouraging and building team and making things happen, the plan coming together just gets me excited. Doing it for the glory of God and for the furtherance of his Kingdom is life in all it's fullness. It's knackering, emotionally and physically draining and a week of my life which is takes 6 weeks to recover from, but it's worth it because the young people are worth it.

This is the Reverb Blurb if you're not sure what all this is about! "Reverb 10 is an annual event and online initiative to reflect on your year and manifest what’s next. Use the end of your year as an opportunity to reflect on what's happened, and to send out reverberations for the year ahead. With Reverb 10 - and the 31 prompts our authors have created for you - you'll have support on your journey."

Crafting on Snow Days

2010-12-03T16:21:00.000Z

I feel pretty blessed to have had some bonus time at home this week, especially after being poorly on Tuesday.

By last night, however, we were beginning to get a fair bit of cabin fever...just couldn't sit still and although I had a lot of jobs I COULD have done, none of them seemed inspiring enough to make me motivated. So Andy and I decided to do two things which always make us feel better - for him, cooking (mince pies, first batch of the season, first of many!) and for me, crafting!

This is what I had made after my 2 hour stint at the dining room table:

These are inspired by this post on the Crate Paper blog and honestly, they were super easy. Ignore the instructions for the type of paper and design - I just went through my scrap bags and found any scraps that were at least 12" long...then cut the width I could manage from each one. Totally random. I'm missing a circle punch to make the backs of these, so I cut them by hand which is a nicer touch! Andy liked them so much that he gave me permission to make a special personal purchase, so I'm now waiting on delivery of Echo Park I Love Christmas with some extra embellishments. If they arrive before Tuesday, I'm hoping to make a good few more flowers for gift wrapping purposes at the Scrap Happy Crop on Tuesday night.

The neatness of the flowers improved as I went on - the purple one was the first one! Matilda has adopted that one! I found using pop dots, instead of just normal glue dots helped them to stay stuck to the backing circle.

I think they make gorgeous alternative rosettes for gifts...

I also finally made my multi pocket envelope mini album, mentioned in this post - and this is definitely a work in progress...!

Two pockets on right, with tags in just poking out; 2 tags in pocket on top, one on the front and one on the back

To start off with, I found my envelopes were smaller than described in the video tutorial...even though they were DL10 so maybe that's a transatlantic change?! I managed to complete the prototype though and it needs some neatening, particularly around the grab curve of the pocket as I didn't have a circular punch (same for both projects so that will probably be a purchase in the January sales!) I haven't embellished it at all which I'll probably do tomorrow and then just need to add photographs and journalling too.

It was a pretty easy project - the hardest part being the creation of the internal pocket on the top which involves 2 strips of paper and the explanation on the video totally flummoxed me...once I turned her off and worked it out myself, logically, it was fine!!

So there you go - not bad for 2 hours and both projects are things I am sure I can do again, get better at and teach others, which is even more fun!

December Daily - 3rd December

2010-12-03T15:59:00.001Z

3rd December

Our first job of the morning, once we were all up was to light our Advent Candle. We have 2 this year so we do one with breakfast and one with dinner!

We knew last night that there would be no school open for Andy to work at today, so we had a lazy morning, just getting ready around 11am to have a walk out to a local cafe, 'Pavilion' for a hot chocolate. While we were there, we also popped into the next door Post Office and picked up a few bits from the supermarket.

Matilda enjoyed getting decked out in her snow gear again and was intrigued by the icicles hanging off our front window!

I had a meeting this afternoon about the youth group we host at home each week, so M and A snuggled upstairs to watch Muppet Christmas Carol.
Matilda had her first taste of a mince pie which she wasn't all the impressed with - spicy apparently!
Her Advent Calendar treat today was a box of raisins and the hot chocolate at the Cafe. 'Yummy' to both!

It will all be back to normal next week as I'm sure the snow will have melted - so we're making the most of this bonus time all at home together. This evening, Andy and I are going out with our close friends K&S and L&K for a meal at a local, well recommended gastro pub which will be lovely and the start of Christmas celebrations! Tomorrow Andy has his accountability session with a friend from church in the morning but otherwise we'll be doing family time...not sure what yet. Watch this space!

Icicles on our front window this morning...

Masses of icicles on a cottage during our walk today.

I'll be posting the craft bits I did last night in another post shortly and also my 3rd December Reverb10 prompt response too so call back soon!

SUNDAY PAPERS

2010-12-03T15:26:00.000Z

SUNDAY PAPERS Being Pregnant - the waiting begins

This is a great series of posts from Richard Passmore for Advent...check out yesterdays and sign up for the rest.

snow day 2 pics

2010-12-03T10:15:00.000Z

Before venturing out...

after...rosy cheeks, shiny face...having a wonderful time!

December Daily - 2nd December

2010-12-02T17:47:00.000Z

2nd December

Another Snow Day!
We're battening down the hatches for a day inside - finding some jobs and activities to keep us all occupied! So far, Veggie Tales and Show Me Show Me and a few phonecalls to friends and relatives across the country.
I'm trying to do some work, writing some Christmas cards and finishing off Christmas gift calendars from Photobox while I have the space and time.
We're supposed to be having friends over this evening, but who knows if they'll make it from Basildon?
We had another 5 inches last night and it's been snowing, lightly but constantly all morning. Andy is hoping it'll slow down soon so he can go out in it - I'm not so keen!
Matilda's Advent Calendar Pocket 2 held a Lindor Chocolate and a Starburst sweet this morning which she was very pleased with and consumed it rapidly after her bacon sarnie. I was glad of Andy's trip to Tesco's last night...!
We were given some great ski gear last night in preparation for Andy's trip in February and as luck would have it, it included a set which fitted Matilda, boots included! So she and Andy have been out this afternoon making snow angels and snowmen with some friends in Maldon.

Beef Enchiladas for dinner tonight, no school tomorrow for M or A and I'll need to try and get some work around them...which might be easier said than done.

A December Daily...1st December slight belated!

2010-12-02T10:59:00.000Z

I didn't quite get myself ready to do a Scrapbooked December Daily, a la Ali Edwards this year...would have been pushing it a bit far really! If only it could all be a full time job... :-)

Anyway, thought I'd compromise and do a December Daily blog post of what we're doing so we have it for future memories and to make us laugh.

So this is a bit late but here goes:

1st December:
A Snow Day! Andy is off and Matilda was most put out that we might keep her off nursery that we decided we'd try to get her there...roads were clearer than expected because no-one else was silly enough to go out!
So, a day at home just me and the Boy...we chilled out a bit, tidied and cleaned the house (we were supposed to get the house valued but the appointment were cancelled), watched some TV and got ahead with Christmas cards and some other bits and pieces.
I spent some time in the afternoon adapting our pocket Advent Calendar that hangs on our hall/lounge door to include little tags with extra treats and activities for 12 out of the 24 days.
When Matilda got home, we did pocket 1 - and the treat was Hot Chocolate and Marshmallows!
Andy ventured out in the snow, briefly getting to Tesco's for some supplies and then to go and pick up some loaned ski gear for his trip in February.
Matilda prayed for more snow but that everyone in the world would be warm and cosy in the night.
A lovely, quiet and snowy start to December - looking forward to tomorrow and more snow!

Advent tags and a Snow Day

2010-12-01T15:57:00.000Z

What a strange week! Yesterday I had to have a sick day as I was poorly - streaming cold, sore throat, the chills (hardly surprising considering it's 0 degrees or lower at the moment here!) Then today, Andy's school is closed cos the snow didn't stop all night, so my planned day off to do some Christmas and 4th birthday preparation hasn't been quite as expected...however, M wanted to go to nursery and despite the roads being a bit icy, we managed to get her there, so she was happy and we got quite a few bits done around the house which is great.

Andy clearing the car

the 4-5 inches which fell last night...

Inspired by this post I have enhanced our usual pocket Advent calendar that my Aunt made us when M was born. As well as the usual chocolate coins and some other bits like mini raising boxes, I have also added some homemade tags which have other 'treats' listed - things such as hot chocolate and marshmallows; a new book for bedtime; or a Daddy-Daughter date. I've also added some 'Give Thanks' evenings where we going to make sure we focus on all that we have been blessed with in our family and pray for those who go without. We also made the decision today that we're going to respond to a recent increment in salary by sponsoring another child through Compassion so I'm looking forward to corresponding with a new child somewhere in the world!

I made 12 tags with normal red cardstock, 5x6cm and folded them to give some strength. I rounded the corners and used a star punch to make a whole at the top.

I used raffia in brown and natural colours to thread through as the pulley for each tag, and wrote the treats and activities on each tag.

This is the Advent Calendar which hangs on the lounge side of our hall door...

Baking fun!!

Happy 1st December and Happy Advent
I love this poem/prayer written by Cheryl Lawrie

An embryo of hope

there are few things more fragile
than an embryo of hope
given its chance of life only by those who say ‘yes’
to its promise
like the prophets who said yes to God’s urging
Mary who said yes to an angel
and Joseph who said yes to his Mary
like the people of faith through all of time
who have said yes to the promise of love
and as we sit by the side of our wall
- whatever that wall might be –
surrounded by the rubble and rubbish
of broken dreams and lives
what faith does it take to imagine
an embryo of hope
being brought to life here?
what ‘yes’ are you able to say
for it to be born in our world?

end of November cometh...the illusion of Santa...

2010-11-30T14:44:00.000Z

I had a realisation that, 4 years ago today, I was heavily pregnant with M and expecting to pop any day...as it was, she didn't make an appearance until 14th December which seemed a long way off at that point and seems a long way off now - but it will come round soon enough! And we have lots to do before then!
Can't believe my little Bean is going to be 4! She is just really great company at the moment and has come home unexpectedly from her childminder this afternoon cos Andy's school is closed and so her got her on the way home. They are snuggled up watching Home Alone and we're going to do some craft stuff later on...I have had to take a sick day from work today as I've got a nasty fluey bug - sore throat, snotty nose and generally feeling pretty unwell. I had a lazy morning and a hot bath with tea tree oil which hopefully will clear the passages...and now I'm just pottering on with a few online jobs which don't require too much thinking or strain! Hence the update now...

So, tomorrow is December 1st and although I know Advent officially started on Sunday, we're only getting going with those bits of preparation in time for tomorrow. We have a pocket Advent Calendar which this year will not only have small chocolates inside, but may also have some challenges, activities or other treats (like hot chocolate with marshmallows before bed etc.) We always have a candle to burn down one notch each day and we try to spend evenings when we're all in together with only music, no TV and spending time talking, playing games and getting excited about Jesus' birthday. Every year, Matilda is more aware of what the season means and this week, she's been enjoying the new Vicky Beeching album 'Eternity Invades' and singing along to the 'Glory to God Forever' track. It's great that she can enjoy the gift giving and receiving season, as well as understanding the reason behind why we get to do all this fun stuff. Previously we've really not done Father Christmas in a big way at all, but with her being at nursery and having lots of little friends to talk to, she's pretty into Santa etc. - we still don't 'do' Father Christmas particularly but we do have some little presents in a stocking on Christmas morning and she is aware we buy those, not Father Christmas. I find it difficult to have integrity about that aspect of the season's traditions without making M feel like she's missing out or we are weird. So Father Christmas is around, but not referred to specifically and we choose to do stuff about the Jesus story rather than other more localised traditions.
First off in this house though, we focus on Matilda's birthday as her special day of the year. Despite it being so close to Christmas, it is far enough away that we can do her birthday justice before we need to get focused on Christmas. So, the tree doesn't go up until 15th December, or evening of 14th at the earliest if that is what she wants to do on her birthday evening. We keep other decorations to a minimum, bar the things I listed above and most of that will go up on 15th December.

So, while I have some space and the Boy and the Bean are occupied, I'll get on with some other jobs online and elsewhere and leave you to let me know what you do about the 'illusion' of Father Christmas? Does he make an appearance in your house?

Advent activities and ideas

2010-11-25T14:30:00.000Z

Karen Edmisten: The No-Panic Advent Series, in the right order this time

With a slightly more Roman Catholic slant (no matter) this is a great post with some lovely ideas for family activities, traditions and ideas to focus on during the season of Advent (which starts on SUNDAY!!)

We'll be doing a prayer board this year, similar to the Jesus stocking and our advent calendar will contains some chocolates but also some challenges and activities - probably leading to chocolates!

I'm looking forward to the season of Waiting this year - we're quite strict about not doing too much Christmas stuff until after M's birthday (14th) and it's good to not get carried away because of that. No tree or too many decorations until 15th December usually. We want the focus on our celebrations to be on Emmanuel, God with us, Jesus our friend and the promise of fullness of life in Him.

What are your Advent and Christmas traditions and activities??

2 new layouts and some crafty arty experiments

2010-11-16T21:33:00.000Z

I managed a few hours at the dining room table this weekend again - 2 weeks in a row!! Miracle!

We were all under the weather and just needed a snuggly day at home...and it was a productive one for me, with my dicky tummy and sniffy nose!

The whole layout using Three Bugs in a Rug

Torn layering - love the effect of this and it's so simple and you can put any pattern and colour close together...I think!!

some of the embellishments

journalling...

Second Layout from the summer too:

The full layout - our trip to Giant's Causeway

journalling

the little pinwheel which I learned to make in Knoxville!

a torn layering effect to give texture to the layout

a decorative wicker star from Sainsbury's decorated with GlimmerMist, purple twine ribbon and some die cut snowflakes from Hobby Craft...easy peasy!

Ikea wooden frame, painted with acrylic white paint. Some sticky blue ribbon, die cut flowers from Sugar and Spice and some Glossy Accents to highlight them along with some blue jewels.

I had fun, so did Matilda and I'm adding to my album as well as getting ahead with crafty, gifty stuff. Pretty happy with the progress of other bits and pieces, but you will have to wait for those til they are done and presented to the person concerned!

Thanks for stopping by!

shuffle music meme

2010-11-16T21:16:00.000Z

Can't remember who tagged me first on this, but thought it would be fun!!

) Turn on your MP3 player or music player on your computer.

2) Go to SHUFFLE songs mode.

3) Write down the first 15 songs that come up–song title and artist–NO editing/cheating, please.

Pass it on.

Here goes:

1. Many Roads - Andrew Peterson

2. I'm not your baby - U2

3. Run the Race - Doug Horley

4. Kissing You - Des-ree

5. Can't Breathe - Martyn Joseph

6. You are Everything - Marvin Gaye and Diana Ross

7. Love gets me every Time - Shaina Twain

8. Yesterday, Today and Forever - Vicky Beeching

9. Shaken Up - Delirious

10. Amy Hit the Atmosphere - Counting Crows

11. Just One Smile - Dusty Springfield

12. I'm on my way to Canaan - Mahalia Jackson

13. 86 - Green Day

14. If not for Your Grace - Israel Houghton and New Breed

15. Forever - Chris Tomlin

Reflects the eclectic mix - U2 and Green Day plus a bit of country, gospel and the mighty Counting Crows!

Look forward to reading your list!!

Gift Ideas for the 2010 Holiday Season — Simple Mom

2010-11-12T10:16:00.000Z

Some great ideas here from the SimpleMom website - some of the links are US sites but once you get the idea, I'm sure you could be resourceful enough to find them elsewhere.

Ethical, original, local and personal...be inspired!

Gift Ideas for the 2010 Holiday Season — Simple Mom

weekend creations

2010-11-08T22:39:00.000Z

I had a lovely afternoon on Sunday making this frame for our friend's Karen and Shaun who were baptised that evening...another friend has taken a picture of the two of them after the dunking which will go in the frame. I also intend to write part of Micah 6:8 down the left side as a Scripture reference from the occasion.

Once I'd got going, I also managed to fit in another layout with lovely pinky hued pictures from our summer activities...

Just a thought...scrapping, youth ministry and life skills

2010-10-24T16:06:00.000+01:00

Just a thought that I'm putting here as it's only in formation but it gives me a reminder if it goes off the radar.

I was at a conference yesterday for work Youthwork Summit which was really great. During that day I had a few conversations with old and new friends, particularly about working with young women and the difference between that and working with young men.

I had a thought, as I was reminiscing about my previous role working with homeless young women, that so much of the great progress that was made with them was when we encouraged them to tell their stories and to do that creatively - sometimes through drama or through another craft activity.

I wonder whether my interest in scrapbooking; chronicling significant milestones, events, emotions and people might be something which could add to or initiate self esteem and life skills development work with young women in a creative and safe way...as well as being huge fun and producing something really tangible at the end? Even just the journalling element of these type of projects gives some opportunity for developing literacy skills and measuring out and cutting paper, card and other equipment will help with some numeracy skills and other practical problem solving in daily life.

Certainly, it seems a possible avenue to think about and progress this year while our eventual destination in terms of Andy's journey is unclear...as it's something I could work on wherever we ended up living...

Your thoughts...know anyone doing this sort of thing already? Any suggestions of conversations or contacts I could make??

junque scrapping and Christmas projects

2010-10-24T15:51:00.000+01:00

I'm making a start of some of my gifts and projects for Christmas and the New Year this afternoon. I bought a few bits of decorative basics, like picture frames and star shaped Christmas decorations which I'm going to 'alter' to make unique and personal gifts for various people.

I'm also getting VERY into my recycled style scrapping projects - particularly using toilet roll inners and envelopes.

I'm going to be attempting this project soon:

which is perfect for gifts that get sent in the post. I have marked a few days off and weekend days in the next 2 months to make sure I have enough time to finish all I have planned but I'm really looking forward to the challenge and particularly chronicling Matilda's last year in photos and mementos.

So check back soon and see how I get on!!

Hungry Heffy Crafts giveaway...

2010-10-22T08:54:00.000+01:00

Hungry Heffy Crafts is a great site I just discovered...there is a weekly giveaway and since it starts on a Friday it's becoming one of my day off activities to enter!!

Click here for a chance to win and more great inspiration!

stop start minimalism

2010-10-21T10:02:00.000+01:00

We're on a stop-start journey to minimalism - hoping that our potential re-location next year might help towards finally getting our clutter under control.

In my bid to be prepared and ready for that occasion (!) I read a few 'minimalism' blogs and reading this morning, loved the sentiment and focus behind this post so take a look...

http://www.becomingminimalist.com/2010/10/20/15-surefire-ways-to-impress-others/

It's not a Christian post in the sense of coming from that ethos but the values underpinning it resonate with me so I'm happy to take it on board as wordly wisdom.

first ScrapHappy crop and toilet roll album!

2010-10-15T16:30:00.000+01:00

A bit of a first for me on Tuesday night - I went along to my first ever crop and got to work on some of my own scrapping projects and meet some other, local, scrappers (rather than going all the way to Knoxville to meet them!)

As my first visit, it was a bit scary - but I went along with 2 projects in mind so I could bury myself in those even if I didn't feel very chatty. I needn't have worried - Catherine who runs the crop was really welcoming and it turns out we have some mutual friends so that was good!

My main intention was to do another layout for my dad's 60th birthday album which brings it a bit more up to date - and I finished that in the first 90 minutes!

I'm concious that I gravitate towards green a lot...both in my patterned paper and embellishments. So I tried to use a few things up in this layout!

The lettering is from Adorn It and the buttons are a stash bought from Sugar and Spice. I used stickles in Pearl just to accentuate the shapes and bring out the green a little more!

'Let the fun begin' sticker is from Adorn It Flutter flight range and the tree stamp has Gloosy Accents added to make it pop and stand out a bit more.

I also started work on a little Christmas project for my nephew Freddie - a toilet roll brag book!
http://www.scrapbook-crazy.com/how-to-make-a-toilet-roll-mini-album.html tutorial here
I'll not show you too much of what I've done so it's a nice surprise for him (his mummy and daddy!!) but here's a sneak peek!

Not sure how many toilet rolls I'll use, but each one will have a tag inside with a picture and some suitable, boyish embellishments! The beauty of this sort of album for a baby is that you can quickly and easily update the pictures as they grow...I'm excited to get it done but also need to decide which pictures to use cos a) he's so cute and b) there are so many pictures I could use!!

So there is my scrapbooking update - it's been a few weeks since I finished the big album for my Dad so I had a break from scrapping apart from the class I did in Knoxville. But I'm back on it and looking forward to Christmas when I can flex my creative muscles with a good excuse!

Check out http://scraphappydays.blogspot.com/ Crops every 1st and 2nd Tuesdays in Galleywood. Because of work, I won't be there again til December...but it's going in the diary in advance for 2011!

Due Date

2010-10-06T22:05:00.000+01:00

Today we are marking a date that is both painful and a significant milestone.

Back in February 2010, when we had got used to the positive pregnancy test and were beginning to plan for baby number 2, our doctor gave us an expected due date of October 6th.

All parents or those who are pregnant and over-due will know that a due date means nothing really, but for us, after the shock of being told we were expecting twins and then the pain of losing them 3 weeks later, this is the only date we have ever had to mark what could have been. We know that having twins would probably have meant they could have come any time in September...but October 6th still holds significance and has loomed large in these last few days.

We're marking today in our own way, thinking and crying and talking together. We also launched a new youth group in our home this evening which sits as a potent sign that life and new seasons continue and we must choose to join in with the journey.

But there have been some things which have comforted me and I'd like to share them with you.

Firstly a poem, well known I guess but beautiful and potent and full of hope:

Remember

Remember me when I am gone away,

Gone far away into the silent land;

When you can no more hold me by the hand,

Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.

Remember me when no more day by day.

You tell me of our future that you plann'd:

Only remember me; you understand

It will be late to counsel then or pray.

Yet if you should forget me for a while

And afterwards remember, do not grieve:

For if the darkness and corruption leave

A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,

Better by far you should forget and smile

Than that you should remember and be sad.

Christina Rossetti

I have also been challenged and comforted by the example of Hannah in the Bible. Hannah focused her attention onto God in her pain and her loss and her barrenness and silently in her heart, praying only with her lips and not with any words. (1 Samuel 1)

The prognosis on us before we had Matilda was of barrenness, and by a miracle we conceived naturally and have a wonderful little girl, nearly 4. WOW.

We conceived naturally a second time and despite the loss of our twins, we know that God has blessed us through this experience and given us grace in our weakness and provision in our desperation.

So, through all of this, I want to pray as Hannah prayed:

My heart rejoices in the Lord

My strength is exalted in the Lord

I smile at my enemies

Because I rejoice in your salvation.

And I stand on the promise of 1 Corinthians 15 - "the dead will be raised incorruptible and we shall be changed. O Death, where is your Victory?"

Death does not have the victory in our lives or in our home. We miss and love our babies that we never got to meet or hold, but we know that there is a sure and certain hope of seeing them again. Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see ( as Doug Horley would sing!!)

Thanks for your prayers, your friendship and your love to us over these months. Reaching this due date is a milestone, a stake in the ground and we move on from here with a deep breath and a sense that God is in control. He has made us more aware of his presence through our grief. Thank you God for all your goodness and faitfulness.

Knoxville Tennessee

2010-10-02T21:09:00.000+01:00

A few people have asked when I'm going to post about my recent trip...and I've only just had a spare minute after my return to blog about it.

This week has been crazy, as much as last week was calm and serene and wonderful. I appreciate the former because of the latter.

The details of each day are not exciting - Emily, Jack and I spent our days around the routine of 5 week old Madeleine and that made it all very gentle. Jack had a quiet week, pastoring-wise, so he was able to have later mornings and be home for dinner. Emily and I walked each morning round the park for 2 miles, before the heat of the day and by the time we had done that and then showered and fed Madeleine again (well. Emily did!) it was time for lunch!!

We went to an Andrew Peterson concert on Tuesday night which was awesome...and we have bought 2 of his albums since.
I had a scrapbooking class at Scrappin' in the City which is an amazing boutique/shop/community/workshop where I made a birthday book in 2.5 hours...I was very pleased with myself!

Emily and I had lots of time to chat, read and chill, with a bit of extended shopping on Friday which was a lot of fun! We also saw our mutual friends for lunch at Tomato Head - and I consumed a yummy Southwestern Salad...really craving those now we are truly in autumnal weather here in England!

It was really lovely to be around with Emily and Madeleine and Jack for lots of firsts - first bath without crying, M's first trip to Target (in fact, to any shop!), first nap in her cot...

So it was pretty bittersweet when I had to leave. The trip and time away had been what I needed it to be - space for reflection, time out of the normality of life and a chance to make new and good memories of this time of year when our babies would have been due. In so many ways it exceeded my expectations and it was wonderful to be subsumed into a family and to be able to look after them as they cared for me. It was a special trip and one which I shall never forget and I'm grateful to Andy for releasing me to do it.

And it is wonderful to be home...I was met at the airport with a 'MUMMY' homemade sign and I worked 30 hours in 3 days this week to allow me to have Friday off as normal with Matilda, which was so great.

So as September fades away and October begins with all it's autumnal colours and wintry skies, I feel a bit of sunshine in my life and the love and prayers of wonderful friends who gave up precious time with their daughter to allow me to come and be. Thank you, Emily, Jack and Madeleine and we can't wait to host you...next year, fingers crossed.

Ta ta for now...

Heading to TN and retelling the story

2010-09-11T08:52:00.002+01:00

In just over a week, I'll be hopping on a plane and making my way out to south eastern United States for a little break. You may have read on this blog about our loss earlier in the year and our journey since then and this is part of the healing process.
Around now we would have been reaching the end of a twin pregnancy if all had gone to plan. It's difficult to know when the date would have been as twins are even more unpredictable, but it would have almost certainly been sometime in September. Back in the aftermath of the miscarriage, we realised that 2010 was looking very empty without this event to mark a stake in the ground and so we made the decision to look for positive, memory making experiences so that September 2010 wouldn't always be about loss, sadness and miscarriage.

Andy and I this summer...he's pretty cool

Thanks to Mr Tesco Clubcard points, converted into Airmiles, I am flying out to Atlanta GA where I'll be picked up by Emily and Jack to have a week with them and their new, month old daughter Madeleine. Can't honestly remember if I've told the Jack story on here, but I'll tell it again anyway!

Back in 2004 we were having some work done on our house in Gateshead. As it was roof work, very messy and dusty, we went off to New Wine festival for a week leaving the workmen to get the job done. It was a wet week, plenty of rain in Somerset for the festival and the same in the North East. On our return to our house, we unlocked the front door and were faced with a smell I can only describe as rotting. All the way down our stairs, directly in front of us was black sludge and the walls had black wet patches all down them.
We were in complete shock - and it transpired in the following few hours that our builder had left the roof uncovered on a night of thunderstorms and huge amounts of rain and we had been flooded from top to bottom...
Fast forward a couple of weeks - we'd moved out cos the house was uninhabitable, the insurance company were assessing the damage and the dehumidifiers were doing their best to dry out the house. Living with Andy's godparents near Durham, we started to lick our wounds and the implications of the flood were sinking in. It was pretty depressing. I had compassionate leave from work, Andy eventually suffered anxiety bouts which left him deflated and struggling to engage with people at all. In the midst of this, in early September we were invited to lunch with Andy's other godparents and their new Methodist minister...well, free meal we thought and a change of scene...
And there we met Jack King, newly arrived from the States, Tennessee to be precise and over for a year as part of his seminary training. He was the same age as me (26 at the time), living in the Manse or Vicarage and getting to know not only the church but also the North East culture and language and food!
We had a great year, lots of fun times, meals out, trips to the beach and theatre and just general hanging out and connecting with this great man of God who was just wanting to make the best of every opportunity. Jack and Andy especially bonded and Jack was introduced to the extended Smith clan on their many visits as well as to my folks.
On 7th May 2005, at our combined housewarming/27th birthday party, Jack blessed our newly refurbished, redecorated home after 6 months of work, renovations and living elsewhere. It felt like a coming home in so many ways and that evening was one of the most significant and memorable of my life.
After a year, Jack returned to Tennessee, to a job in Knoxville at the Methodist Church there and we kept in touch as much as we could. Just after his arrival home, Hurrican Katrina struck and he was involved in huge amounts of ministry and outreach to displaced people from New Orleans.
Jack met Emily on his return to Knoxville and they married on 7.7.2007 - we weren't able to go, Matilda was only small and money was not so forthcoming with just a few months notice. But we did visit for 10 days in August 2008 with Matilda who was then 18 months. Meeting Emily was nerve wracking - what would she be like, would she like us? But it's fair to say that she and I had a soul connection, something God given and truly special came about in those 10 days and it was with many tears and sadness that we left to come home at the end of our trip...we promised to return again for Andy's 30th birthday in 2011 which we still plan to do.
But with the events of this year and the sadness and loss and rebuilding we have been doing, I needed something exciting and unique to to focus on. Soon after the miscarriage, while I was convalescing at home, Andy asked me what would make me feel better or I would look forward to doing. I didn't have to think long before I said "I'd like to travel on my own"...Andy's following question was "Where to?" and I knew I'd want to go and see Emily. I have many wonderful friends and family, more than a girl deserves. But there is something unique about a friend at long distance, who it isn't so easy to see or contact, where time zones mean we're asleep when they're awake and lives go at a different pace.
Google Chat has been a life saver as Emily and I have kept in touch and worked through many feelings and emotions. She took time out of lectures to chat with me online, rang when she should have been sleeping and enabled me to see beyond my immediate situation and gave me hope for the future.
I feel very blessed at her willingness to give up some of her precious time with her new baby to spend with me next week. I am amazed and in awe of a God who has allowed me to follow and share in such a dear friends' pregnancy and have loved that journey, in spite of the pain we have also found in it. Pain is not always bad, it is refining and forms us in a way which is more precious as a result. I have no doubt that it would have been easier to stick only with friends who haven't been pregnant, but in Emily and in my sister, I have people whose preciousness to me and whose understanding of me have enabled me to cope with pregnancy close at hand. It was with huge elation that we stalked Facebook and waited on emails for news of Emily's labour and we rejoiced at the birth of Madeleine Clara King on 19th August, followed by the birth of our nephew, Frederick Peter Lane on 24th August.

Freddie

Madeleine

There are a mix of emotions right now - I am SUPER excited and cannot wait to get off that plane in Atlanta and see Emily and Jack and kiss that baby's head. I am also desperate for switch off time...being disconnected will be so good for me and I am going to try and be disciplined about staying off facebook and just keeping in touch with home. But my Love Language is acts of service and I want to bless Jack and Emily and Madeleine with my time there and hope I can be useful in getting them settled in their new home (they moved 10 days after Madeleine was born!), and doing what I do best - feeding people! I am nervous about being away from home - missing Andy and Matilda and having these experiences without them will be weird. This is a situation where I'm not sure of how I will feel...and I'm not good with the unknown or the unplanned. But God has been teaching me so much about letting him take control - and miscarriage in a way is the ultimate lack of control. Nothing I could have done would have changed the outcome. I don't understand that, but that's the way it is. And I must leave that with the Lord, who has plans to prosper me and not harm me, to give me a hope and a future and my hope and my future lies in my wonderful, faithful, loving husband and my clever, inquisitive and hilarious daughter. Only God knows what our family will look like in 2, 5, 10 years but I am content and thankful for all I have and all I have been through...strange as that may sound.
Who knows what these 6 days away will bring. I am open to whatever God wants to do in me and I shall be surprised I am sure. And I'd appreciate your prayers (Jack and Emily may do too!)

Dear Kindness � THXTHXTHX

2010-09-10T07:51:00.000+01:00

I love these daily thank you notes from Leah Dietrich - a daily exercise in gratitude. I Like...

Dear Kindness � THXTHXTHX

downsizing, streamlining, simplifying - www.lovemoney.com

2010-09-03T18:32:00.000+01:00

In a bid to be debt free and minimised by the time Andy, potentially, goes to Vicar Factory, we're working hard to pay off our car loan and a couple of other credit card debts by next summer.

Money is a funny thing in our house, as I'm sure it is in yours! I basically handle the day to day finances - food shopping, making sure bills get paid that aren't on direct debit and keeping tabs on things. Andy deals with the big things like insurances, mortgages and getting good deals on things.

This difference in perspective can often lead to tensions (!) and we have been looking for a system that works better. Looking around online and asking what other people used, we were directed to this site http://www.lovemoney.com/ which offers a simple but incredibly useful service.

It takes a snapshot of your bank accounts through your online system (securely done) and you can categorise your spending that goes in and out via a long list of possibilities - everything from mortgage, insurance, groceries to personal care, entertainment and haircuts!
The Dashboard gives an overview via a pie chart and your current balances. The Transactions tab shows the list of most recent payments or incomes and you can change categories or update things quickly. You can also set Budgets for different things you spend on and as they add up, you get a quick view of how much you have left for fun or for food or for saving. The Analysis tab will generate more and more information the more you use the service, showing your average spending and where you are regularly going over with your spending.

It's a good system, needs regular updating from us but it's got some useful features with apparently more to come - so roll on debt free living!!

Bank Holiday, birthday and baby pictures

2010-09-02T18:06:00.000+01:00

We had a great weekend in Surrey, celebrating my dad's 60th birthday and meeting our new nephew Freddie. Here are some pics:

Just born - Frederick Peter Lane

scrummy

Proud cousin meeting Freddie

any excuse for champagne!

a birthday cuddle for Papa

Daddy Ollie and my mum, known now as Didi

up a bit, down a bit...

meeting Freddie...he did stop crying!

my beautiful sister and beautiful nephew

My dad opening his gifts and cards

dancing in the garden with the party dress girl!

Your photoalbum SERVICE, make a real book!

2010-09-02T17:31:00.000+01:00

This looks like a great service, to make your own photo books with plenty of space for journalling and other text and backgrounds which is something lacking with photobox IMHO.

Check it out - £5 voucher for your first book!

Your photoalbum SERVICE, make a real book!

stream of conciousness...

2010-08-27T21:29:00.000+01:00

taking a break from getting ready, packed and sorted to go away. We're off away this weekend visiting my parents for my dad's 60th, seeing my baby nephew who was born on Tuesday and catching up with other family and friends. I'm very much looking forward to it!! Chomping at the bit in fact.
Andy is playing the guitar in prep for a Street Pastors day tomorrow where he's leading worship.
Matilda and I both had our hair cut today - I'm a bit shorter (again!) and M has a new neat bob just under ears. She looks grown up and cute.
I love scrap-booking and baking and I got to do both today and I feel great! I finished the album I've been working on (watch this space for a post including all the layouts!)
I'm looking forward to the routine coming back next week with work and life separated as they should be. It's been difficult working at home more through August as I felt I never gave my all to work or Matilda. But I seem to have got done what I needed to and we've had some great family time at Great Notley, Barleylands, baking, singing, doing craft, watching films, gardening and having silly times!
Toy Story was great - M loved it and danced at the front of the cinema during the out-takes!
I'm privileged to be leading an away day on Wednesday for Restored which is Tearfund's project campaigning against domestic abuse.
In 4 weeks I'll be in Tennessee with Emily and Jack - oh yes!
I didn't even realise X Factor had started again - frankly I'm waiting for Strictly...
That'll do for now, enjoy the Bank Holiday and thanks for stopping by!

the final layouts

2010-08-27T20:45:00.004+01:00

For the last few weeks, my non-work and non-childcare time has been taken up with completing a very special album.

My darling Daddy turns 60 on Tuesday and he has been quite certain that he didn't want any sort of fuss. Over the last few months, my sister and I ummed and aaahhhed about what we could do to mark it for him without the traditional party. When we were kids he would retreat to the loft during our birthday parties and I remember once my mum pulling off a surprise party (his 40th I think) but other than that, parties aren't really his thing.

The story of this album begins about 9 months ago when my Grandma presented my dad with a slip in album of photos of their family - Treadwell side (Grandma's maiden name) and Hodson side (my family name). As I've got into scrapbooking, I've realised that alongside the creative, beautiful and design side of the hobby is the very practical need to preserve photos and mementos of the past for future generations.
So I hatched the idea of putting together an album of beautiful layouts, presenting the photos that Grandma had already collated for me in an order and a style suitable for future children, grandchildren and great grandchildren.

And this afternoon, I finally finished it!! I'll be giving it to Pops (as we affectionately call him) on Sunday so I've scheduled this post to go out later that day so no-one gets a sneak peek before him!

Title/Intro page

Starting with the Treadwell side (my paternal Grandmother's side)

My Grandma in her childhood as an evacuee and with her sisters and family

Onto the Hodsons, my paternal Grandfather's side

My Grandfather in his childhood

Grandma and Grandad in their single days and wedding day

My dad in his baby and childhood days

My dad and his late brother

My paternal great-grandparents Ruby Wedding and my grandparents Ruby Wedding

Some more recent pictures of Grandma and Grandad with my dad and at their Diamond wedding

I think this is my favourite layout...I love this picture of my dad sailing and my journalling for this page is below

Hodsons, Smiths and Lanes at my mum's 60th in June

As my first full album, I'm pretty pleased with how it turned out. I enjoyed the space and creative juices and it was good to have the photos chosen and the theme in place. I learnt a lot of techniques, trial and error but no major mistakes or errors! Nothing was thrown away apart from the usual scraps!

So, hope he likes it! I'll post photos of the weekend next week!! Thanks for stopping by.

Nigella Baking Day

2010-08-27T15:06:00.000+01:00

Amongst other jobs today, we all needed to get some baking done - oh yes, you read that right - NEED to get baking done!!

My dad is 60 this weekend so I agreed to make some bits for his birthday tea to take over when we travel there tomorrow. I also decided to make double quantity of my almost fail safe lemon loaf cake so that I could bring one for my sister and brother in law who have just produced baby Freddie!

So after hair cuts for the girls of the house this morning, I set about making the Lemon Syrup Loaf Cake (good link and review here) which is from Nigella Lawson's Domestic Goddess cook book.

I've made it before so that got whipped up pretty quickly and into 2 loaf tins.
The final cake, with the syrup glaze that you put on afterwards and allow to 'set' looks like this:

It's yum, really easy to make and would do equally well as a pudding with lemony double cream or custard...

Then I started on a recipe I hadn't made before, again from Nigella's Domestic Goddess book (which is well thumbed and covered in slop!!)

Coconut Cake - my dad loves coconut and this looked like a simple recipe but with lots of delicate flavour and pretty enough to make a grown up birthday cake (if it lasts that long).

Again, it came together pretty quickly and smelt divine before it was even in the oven!

Final result - un-iced as I'll do this tomorrow:

Nigella says to do a coconut butter-cream in between the sponges and then a white royal icing with coconut for the top - think I'll probably just do the butter-cream filling and dust the top with icing sugar and candles! Based on this review it sounds like a good decision.

Andy and Matilda are now on stage 3 of the baking day, making cupcakes, again from Nigella's Domestic Goddess and I think are doing a double batch so we have some for the freezer....various colours, additions and icings are to be expected. Will post again if any are left!!

Scrapbooks etc. - October 2009 - Page 78-79

2010-08-26T09:37:00.000+01:00

Some great tips on thrifty scrapbooking here...

I've nearly done the special album that I've been working on for the past few weeks. It's a fairly traditional album of heritage photos so no major flourishes or experimental styles.

But I'm looking forward to getting back to that soon and this is great inspiration!

Scrapbooks etc. - October 2009 - Page 78-79

Geocaching � In My Own Way

2010-08-26T08:39:00.000+01:00

My brother in law, Ian, has got into geocaching over the summer holidays with our niece Ellie.

He does a great explanation here of what it's all about and shows how easy it is to give it a go! Especially if you have an iPhone and an enthusiastic 8 year old!!

Geocaching � In My Own Way

Crazy days - behavior charts, stickers and a newborn : MckMama

2010-08-25T05:10:00.002+01:00

Let me just say -- I love MckMama's blog. Oh so much.

My friend Emily introduced me to it a while back and it is such a 'full' blog if you know what I mean? Parenting, faith, food, children being crazy, life choices, beautiful photographs...she's got everything. Scroll to the end to see what I mean, but carry on reading back up here to understand why I really love her today!

Yesterday was a crazy day - we got up around 7.15am after M had got in our bed, had a story and drank her milk. I fished my phone out of my handbag on the dining room table to receive this text message: Freddie Peter Lane born 1.30am, all doing well, we are very happy!

I screamed!! My sister and her husband had brought my new NEPHEW in to the world and I didn't even know she was in labour! It transpired it had all happened pretty quickly - Ellie was in slow, quiet labour at home around 5pm, they ended up going into hospital at 10pm ish when the pain got too much and found she was 5cm dilated! Freddie was born naturally, using only gas and air at 1.30am and I was SO EXCITED!

I ran upstairs screaming to Andy and then rang my brother in law Ollie (woke him actually, but hey, he needs to get used to broken sleep!!) and spent the rest of the morning with a big grin on my face!

However, we were getting up and getting going quickly yesterday as M had her regular appointment at the Opthalmist to review her glasses and squint. The elation of new life, babies born perfect and new additions to the family was also put in perspective yesterday as M's progress with her long sightedness has slightly regressed and she now has a special fabric patch to go on her glasses for 2 hours a day.

We felt sad - what a strange mix of emotions to have had within the first few hours of the day after all that had already happened. M was obviously disappointed too and complained she couldn't see and the patch was itchy etc...

So we're back to reward charts and achievement targets to keep the patch on and make sure it does the work on her eyes that it needs to do.

Which was why the post below made me happy this morning - I woke early with lots on my mind and decided to get up and get going.

This is real life parenting - the wonder and awesomness of new birth alongside the realities of what it means to guide your child through the complexities of life. Hope you'll be converted to MckMama too!

behavior charts, stickers and a newborn : MckMama

Mouthfuls Of Heaven: Lemon Syrup Loaf Cake

2010-08-23T18:25:00.001+01:00

Looking online for the recipe for a cake instead of rooting through my books, I found this review of the exact same cake I was planning to make.

Mouthfuls Of Heaven: Lemon Syrup Loaf Cake

The extra addition I'd make to the instructions/recipe is to always use real butter...sometimes I bake with Stork and you can get away with it, but you really can't with this!

Enjoy!

Simply Scrapbooking Now - Organise Photos for FREE

2010-08-23T18:21:00.001+01:00

As I'm getting into this scrapbooking lark I find I'm constantly getting inspired and rooting through photos to see what I have that could translate into a mini album or layout or gift for someone.

But often the sorting prior to doing anything with it takes up the time when I could have been creative!

This post has a great and simple and recycled idea for getting photos in order, ready for when you have just a few spare minutes to get scrapping! Click below!

Simply Scrapbooking Now - Organise Photos for FREE

910 � The Ongoing Adventures of ASBO Jesus

2010-08-23T09:04:00.000+01:00

Genius! although sad and challenging too...click below

910 � The Ongoing Adventures of ASBO Jesus

Great Notley fun and photos...

2010-08-23T09:00:00.000+01:00

Chilling out in the sun...

Building the kite (99p!)

It did fly, eventually!

Hammock.....

These kids just love each other so much...

Great Notley and the Flitch Way - Country Parks

2010-08-22T23:19:00.001+01:00

Spent the afternoon at Great Notley this afternoon with our great friends 'The Baguettes' and their children, who are our godchildren.

It's a fantastic place - space, amazing high ropes and toddler climbing areas as well as sand pits and lovely walks.

We also took 2 kites, which are as controversial as flat packs in any marriage -let me tell you!

I'll post some pictures tomorrow when I'm less tired, but I'm pretty pleased with some of the arty shots I took today and hope they'll form the basis for another scrapping project I have in mind!!

Great Notley and the Flitch Way - Country Parks

Write. Click. Scrapbook.

2010-08-22T12:29:00.001+01:00

I've been doing a whole heap of scrapbooking recently for a very special project which I can't quite share - yet!

I'm also gearing up for a few smaller projects for birthday and the anticipated birth of my new niece or nephew very soon!!

So I loved this post I read recently about time saving ways to scrapbook and best of all, it's part of a series on Easy Summer Scrapbooking so hope you find some inspiration!

Write. Click. Scrapbook.

Dorothy the Dinosaur

2010-08-21T22:58:00.000+01:00

Note: this will mean nothing to you if you haven't ever watched the Wiggles.
If you haven't ever watched the Wiggles, you should probably think yourself lucky!

This is Dorothy (Matilda) the Dinosaur - see her roar!....

and then have a bit of a rest!! with the iPhone!

2010-08-18T21:52:00.000+01:00

So far, this summer has been pretty good...
Falcon Afloat 2010 ran for 5 nights. It formed a big part of my working life in July in amongst all the other usual stuff and Andy hit the ground running as soon as his school term finished joining in with the final preparations and then into camp itself.
Camp was amazing. Brilliant kids, brilliant team, wonderful weather and activities and a fantastic location.

We then had some visits to friends in Norwich and Belfast and a weekend with my family to celebrate my cousin Sarah's wedding.

Great ice cream in Antrim!

At Brown's Bay

Sarah and Ian cut the cake!

The amazing cake.

And now it's back home with the usual routine for me while Andy and M have some daddy-daughter time and enjoy the summer weeks that are left. They went for a bike ride, visit to a great playground and a picnic today, followed by finding a hidden stash of blackberries which Andy is now baking into cakes and pies and crumbles for the freezer - literally right now!
Tomorrow they are having some time with another friend and her kids for a birthday and hoping the weather is kind enough for the splash park to be a possibility. We're also taking M to see Toy Story 3 as she's just got into watching (shorter) films all the way through and is looking forward to her first grown up cinema trip! So are we!
I'm working, combining some mentoring meetings and a couple of parish visits with office work and getting ahead on plans and strategy for the new academic year.
I'm also working on some more scrapbooking projects which are taking up quite a bit of time.
A few weeks ago I did my first mini album:

I've also been planning ahead for my visit to the States in September to visit our friends Jack and Emily, and their new baby girl who is on her way as I write! I'm hoping to make the most of the US obsession with scrapbooking and get to some shops and maybe a crop while I'm there to see how they do it!

So watch this space for my layouts and albums when I'm done - but for now it's a surprise - sssshhhhh!

scrapbooking fix...

2010-07-18T22:36:00.001+01:00

In the midst of a very busy July, we had carved out this weekend for some much needed family and chill out time. We spent yesterday at Barleylands (where we have an annual pass) with our wonderful friends the Baguettes. The children (7 and 4) and M love each other very much and had a whale of a time!

Last night, Andy was Street Pastoring and this morning had to be up at church for 8.30am for our Family Service with special Junior Church presentation - I was also doing a drama. By the time we got home this afternoon, we were knackered.

So M and Andy chilled in front of Shrek for an hour or so after lunch and I got on with some scrapbooking projects, after being very inspired (and released of some money!) at Sugar and Spice yesterday. I'm working on a BIG project at the moment, very exciting, but also have a few birthday and celebration bits I want to do over the summer.

So, I made some quick mini albums using just one piece of cardstock:

this is it opened out...ready for inserts, photos and journalling.

This is it closed and ribboned up...guess who it's for?? bet ya can't!

This is another style of mini album using 12 x 12 cardstock but with specially made covers...

I'm also working on a belated anniversary gift for Andy's grandparents which is going to take a bit more research and collection work, but that will have to wait now until after Falcon Afloat which starts a week today!

So it's been a fun weekend and a restful if busy Sunday...Roll on the last week of term!

Couple more pics of our fun at Barleylands...

countdown...

2010-07-14T13:41:00.000+01:00

work wise, these last few weeks have been incredibly busy. Busy of the 'being out all the time' kind, but also busy in the 'piles of admin and to do lists' kind.

It's countdown now til our Falcon Camp starts next Saturday and we welcome 24 10-13 year olds on board a converted light vessel in The River Blackwater in Essex...please pray for us!

Lots happening too in the ordination journey for Andy with various forms having been submitted and meetings being arranged. Andy is making the most of this summer and taking the time to visit various clergy people he has got to know, mainly through my job, and getting a sense of what they do and how priesthood works in different communities.

I'm thinking too, at the moment, about my cousin Sarah who married Ian last weekend. Sarah is my birthday twin as well as my cousin, being exactly one year younger than me and born on 6th May 1979. The pictures haven't been officially shared yet but my aunt sent a few previews through and she looked beautiful and so happy! Congratulations cousin!

Where has this year gone...only a few short days til the end of the summer term and then Andy has 5 weeks of holiday stretching before him! Holidays where I will work him hard (!) but where we also get to spend lots of time together as a family and with other precious people.

I'm getting excited about my trip to Knoxville in September - for 6/7 days with Emily and Jack and new baby girl King.
I am looking forward to the time away, making new memories at a time which should have seen me nearing the end of my twin pregnancy or even already being a mummy again. I realise, when I think about all that has happened this year so far, that actually this has been a year to take stock and reflect. This time last year, so much was different and although we have experienced great pain and heartache in 2010, we wouldn't be the same now if it wasn't for that. Doesn't make it easy, but we're beginning to see the loss as part of the process of refining and faith development.

Please pray for our Falcon Afloat holiday starting 24th July!

stream of conciousness...

2010-07-05T16:13:00.000+01:00

I have had a day of retreat today - after a very busy weekend at Bradwell Pilgrimage.

Days off such as this are rare - I usually take a Friday so I can have the time with M and if I happen to be off over the weekend, I find Friday gets me ready to have family time and make the most of it - you know, do the chores, schedule appointments for her, get shopping in etc etc. The system slightly fails when I work over a weekend cos I often have bits outstanding in terms of preparation and so Friday days off get a bit lost in lists and jobs to be done.
So, knowing the Saturday of this weekend would be crazy as would the week of preparation leading up to it, I scheduled today as a day off/time in lieu.

I've baked Apple and Banana fair cakes and a Coconut and Raising tray bake. baking is one of my best abiding activities.
Naps are of God and naps where you can wake up gradually without rush are of the highest order and I believe will be present in Heaven!
I've read more of my book 'When will there be Good News?' by Kate Atkinson.
I have not done any washing cos we've got our gazebo up in the garden and it's too small to accommodate both the washing line and the gazebo.
I feel I'm recovering from church yesterday...
I'm sad we couldn't go to The Order of Mission Southern Gathering on Friday and Saturday - and taken with the realisation that we feel connected to this group of people despite only knowing 3 or 4 of them in any depth.
Andy and I went for dinner with the Baggies last night which was funny and poignant and not done often enough. We talked life shapes a lot and laughed about how weird some of that language is when you are uninitiated "how is your semi circle?" - "how is the up in and out in your men's ministry?" !!
God seems to be prompting me to think about strategy for mission in my church context - not surprising but definitely more prompting today and over the weekend than for a while.
The sunshine makes my skin burn but I love the fact that my freckles are popping out all over the place.
The Forsyte Saga is one of my favourite drama programmes of all time.
I'm a bit disappointed that there weren't many pictures of me at the Bradwell Pilgrimage over the weekend - but I think it was because I didn't stand still for long.
Our Falcon Camp at the end of this month is nearly full.
My mum is amazing and I love her flexibility and the way she just mucks in with our crazy life and loves us for it.
Andy is now referred on to the DDO - having been through vetting by our Vicar and the Deanery Vocations Adviser. We have a joint meeting in a couple of weeks which is an interesting and scary prospect.
I enjoy days on my own more and more as I get older and also since the miscarriage - which is a good thing but I don't get much opportunity for it in my normal life.
July is set to be crazy busy - lots to do and lots in my brain at the moment...so I haven't left the house today and have only been on Facebook (before posting this!) to share my recipes.
I'm getting into wearing leggings and jogging bottoms in public, indicating I think that I have accepted my large bottom for the time being - sigh...
Matilda was in a great mood this morning - and told me she didn't need to brush her teeth here cos her childminder had a dragon toothbrush at her house...wow!

I love my husband at the moment in a way which is awe inspiring - his journey is so life changing and potentially radical and I admire him immensely. M is also great great company and wonderful in the way she accepts God at work in her life. Watching her play in the sand and paint a worship picture at the Pilgrimage was such a blessing and I feel hugely admiring of her simplicity and her simple love for everything that crosses her path.
Stream over - some semblance of order will be returned soon...

person of peace

2010-06-14T18:26:00.000+01:00

For an introduction to the Person of Peace concept - try this helpful blog intro http://passionfruitblog.wordpress.com/2009/10/21/lifeshapes-the-octagon/

I had a profound experience of connecting with a Person of Peace (in fact 2) today at M's dancing class. For 6 months I have been taking her every week in term time for her half hour ballet class. While the kids are in their lesson, parents have to stay in a nearby room to wait, especially for this group as they still need help with the toilet and the teachers won't do that!

In all that time, I have sat while other mums around me have talked across me and ignored me, carrying on their own conversations because they know each other from the school gates or nursery schools. They are usually in these conversations before they enter the room and it's been difficult to interrupt or even know what on earth they are talking about! It has been a lonely experience and one which has made me question myself, as a normally extroverted and friendly and chatty person. Something about the environment and everyone knowing someone else made me feel incredibly excluded. I have tried a couple of times to chat - and twice had a great conversation and was able to share about my job and about M's eyes and how we have seen God's hand at work in their improvement. But BOTH times, the week after, that mum was nowhere to be seen and hasn't been back since...was it something I said??!!

Since we moved church in January, we have been conscious of how much M has missed her friends at 'red church' as she calls it. We've tried to keep connected with 'red church' friends but it's hard when lives often change course because of different circles. We were worried that too much too-ing and fro-ing would make her unsettled as she asked 'when are we going back to red church' a few times. So we have concentrated on her friends and connections at nursery and 'yellow church' (it's all to do with brick colour!!)

But during this week, while I was away at Pilgrimage in Sheffield, I really felt God prompt me to not be so embarrassed or precious or irritated about not being included in the dancing mum's conversation and not to be scarred by previous experiences. In the context of missional communities and extending God's kingdom in our community, I was made aware that the attitude problem came from me and that I should pray for a person of peace in that arena and see what happened. So I did.

And today, the room we would normally gather in while the class was going on was being used by another group. It meant we had to stand in the foyer bit for 10 minutes....and conversation started because I mentioned out loud that the group in the room had a lot of technology with them (speakers, projector etc) which might take a while to pack up.... The mum out there with me at that point agreed and said she noticed I always had my laptop with me and was it for my work? It opened the conversation...not for long, but it was a start!

And then, another mum came in whose little girl was starting the class today, She had a baby with her who was feeding from a bottle and while baby was busy she started asking me some questions about how the class worked and whether M enjoyed it. She was so engaging and said that her daughter was nervous about starting but was pleased there were other girls there. M had helped things along by taking this little girl's hand and saying 'you can follow me' when she first arrived.

So, I'm thanking God tonight for his opening of these opportunities and for using M in it with me!

Football Focus

2010-06-11T19:46:00.000+01:00

The Bible has something to say about the beautiful game in this World Cup Year..thanks to Church Mouse for this!

1. The invention of route 1 football, and an instruction to play a very direct style:
Philippians 3:14 "I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me..."

2. Commentary on the first recorded game, featuring some of the prophets. The result was predictable.
2 Kings 13:17 "Shoot!" Elisha said, and he shot."

3. The away side never quite get their share of penalties. Daniel finds this during his time in Babylon:
Daniel 2:9 "... there is just one penalty for you."

4. After the fall, players got tired during the game, so the Lord provided fresh legs and blessed them:
Leviticus 27:10 "... both it and the substitute become holy"

5. The Lord reminds his people that they should pray before shooting:
Galatians 3:3 "Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort?"

6. Even in the early days, management was a tough place to be:
Luke 16:2 "So he called him in and asked him, 'What is this I hear about you? Give an account of your management, because you cannot be manager any longer.'"

Pilgrimage - Sheffield 7-10 June 2010

2010-06-11T11:38:00.000+01:00

I've been away this week, at the Pilgrimage event in Sheffield. It's been all about applying and developing my learning and understanding of LifeShapes as our rule of life through The Order of Mission and as I use it in youth ministry across the Diocese.
It's been a challenging, inspiring, heartening and frustrating week - all of these things at different times and in different ways.
As at the end of last years' event - I've come away knowing my life won't be the same again and aware that I have met with God in a fresh place and new way.
I've been posting daily notes and reflections over on my more 'work' blog so if you'd like to see how each day panned out - take a hop over to funkydoo.

Each individual post is here:
Day One Monday
Day Two Tuesday
Day Three Wednesday

I'm still working on Thursday's summary and will also expand a bit further on some of the Kingdom and Covenant teaching from Mike Breen which deserves it's own post. But now I need to be with my daughter and try and do some catch up work too!

a post I found and loved...nothing more

2010-06-08T23:17:00.000+01:00

The Call to Bless

It's the days when the quiet pounds in my ears. The deafening sound of silence. I often wonder if the silence is so loud because it's not silence at all, but invisible darkness and muck swirling around, hidden behind supernatural walls. Taunting me, pricking my skin, laughing at my weak resolve. Lashing fire at me, screeching at me. My soul "hears" them, knows they're there. My flesh can't see them so my soul must decipher. My energy flairs the panic, I know not not how to silence the silence.

It the moments of mayhem, when everything is spinning so fast and the children are pawing at my arms and legs and brain and each other and I can't catch up or focus or even know what to say. So I stare off, do the minimum. I survive. And I do not bless.

Sometimes it's the memories, when I've slipped up and allowed myself to think the "what if..." Memories that are so painful, wrapping themselves around loss and choking. Their vine permanently entwined in mine and I meekly believe that it will always be this way. This grief. The roots too deep for soul surgery.

A lost cause, just give up now, stop trying so hard. Stop trying to grow and mold and change.

The lies pile up until I stop believing and finally knock them over.

The tower of deceit crashed down.

Not with my faith or with my hope or with anything but with my blessing.

"I will bless the Lord at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth." Psalm 34:1

I reset myself. Blessing Him is first. Not my list of pleading, not my list of need. Not my list of want. But making mention. Saying the name of the Lord over and over if that's all I can get out at first.

Jehovah Jireh, God our Provider. Jehovah Shalom, God of Peace. Jehovah Rophe, God who heals. Elohim, God Almighty. Immanuel, God with us. Ancient of Days. Messiah. Jesus!

As I call each name, as I make mention of Him in my prayers, the Spirit builds. I can feel the peace, I can feel the healing. I can feel Him near. Just from blessing His name. What power in just a name!

Then it dawns on me. This revelation. This epiphany.

Without this moment of despair, I might not have slowed down. I might not have stopped with the lists. I might not have just blessed His name.

Coming to Him with so much to say, wanting to rush the intimacy, the conversation, I almost missed it. That peace and healing I needed.

It didn't come from me asking and Him giving, though it sometimes does and can. It came from me obeying. Me blessing the name of the Lord.

And in my obedience I saw His power, His love, just waiting for me. A love so strong it has cried out for me to come accept it my entire life. Waiting for me to step into the bedchamber and be with Him. Just He and his bride. Just us. He has washed me clean, and I can be with Him forever.

At once the silence is truly silenced. I feel peace wash over and I finally understand why this is His greatest commandment. To love Him, with all of me. To bless Him without ceasing.

In love I will start there. In hope I run there. In faith I rest there.

With Him and for Him. Because of Him. Amen.

By Arianne

http://www.incourage.me/2010/05/the-call-to-bless.html

Gratefulness...

2010-05-24T20:34:00.000+01:00

I've talked a bit about gratefulness in recent posts and came across this rather ancient quote today, from Ignatius of Loyola...

It seems to me in the light of the Divine Goodness....that ingratitude is the most abominable of sins and that it should be detested in the sight of our Creator and Lord and by all of His creatures who are capable of enjoying His divine and everlasting glory. For it is a forgetting of the graces, benefits and blessings received.....On the contrary, the grateful acknowledgment of blessings and gifts received is loved and esteemed not only on earth but in heaven.

a changing world...

2010-05-17T19:57:00.001+01:00

We've come to the end of one stage of uncertainty during all the negotiations about our new coalition government and we move into a waiting stage, while we see what will happen next.
It's a strange time isn't it - I've enjoyed the ongoing drama, watching the 24 hour news channels and keeping an eye on the blogs and commentaries.
But it's all real now and the next 5 years will be quite an experience...who knows where we will be in 2015?

This incredible series of pictures appeared in the Saturday Guardian http://www.guardian.co.uk/theguardian/2010/may/15/gordon-brown-picture-says-it-all and shows what a roller-coaster of emotions, activity, panic and relief all of the Brown family went through.

It's the kind of edition of newspaper that I want to keep for posterity, but do we need to do that anymore with online news??

thanks for the love

2010-05-09T20:23:00.000+01:00

We've been really bowled over by the love and support our recent post on our miscarriage has generated. Thanks to everyone who read a rather huge post through to the end and who also commented, either on the blog, via Facebook or on email or text. It felt like a huge thing to have written the account, and to have done that quite early in the journey too. But it has been a blessing to many, it seems, and has certainly blessed us in the telling and making sense of what we've been through.

A few people have asked - 'How are you?' - and really meant it...so thought it would be fair to give you an update! We're good, all things considered. Being back in routine after the Easter break has helped and there are lots of new things in the pipeline and plans made to ensure that this year doesn't feel so empty. For example, I have moved my office out of the house and into a local church extension building which is brilliant for both work and family life.
I'm also taking a trip out to Knoxville in September, around the time the twins would have likely arrived, to see our friends Emily and Jack. I'm very excited about seeing them and having some time out to travel on my own again - and best of all, it was all free with our AirMiles courtesy of Tesco!
Many things have changed in the last few months - and will never be the same again. Other things have been mostly unaffected by our miscarriage, particularly Andy's progress towards selection for ordination. The calling remains, regardless of the tragedy we have been through and in some ways Andy is more reflective and concious of his weakness and need for God within all this than he was before. Andy preached at All Saints this morning, in a robe too, and is now scheduled to see someone who heads up Vocations for the Deanery which is the next stage in the process, so that's exciting.
I celebrated my 32nd birthday on Thursday by voting in the General Election and having a lovely meal out with Andy. And this weekend I have begun work on a secret project for some special people involving large amounts of photographs and creativity...I'll say no more!

Apart from that, life continues as normal - work, family, church, food and friends, all in good amounts and with a good dash of thankfulness and gratefulness, if that's a word?
I'll finish by sharing some recent pics...Thanks for stopping by!

Great Notley Family Day Out

Birthday Tea for my sister's 30th - before my hair cut!

Bank Holiday weekend with my parents in Surrey

undecided....

2010-05-05T18:47:00.002+01:00

So, tomorrow is the General Election in the UK - and I'm having dilemmas about which way my vote is going to go...

This article, which Andy told me about this evening, sums up a lot of what I feel and fear about the outcome of the election tomorrow. http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2010/may/04/why-i-hate-tories-david-cameron

Gary Younge is spot on in much of what he writes...and this is a great quote:

"Voting is always a balance between the moral and the strategic. What do I want, what can I get and what do I feel comfortable endorsing to get it. In the past the strategic case was weak, because there was no chance of the Tories winning and the moral case was weaker, given Labour's record. That's not true this time.
Indeed the only thing that is really holding my interest at this stage: the one thing that would really make my Friday morning would be to see Cameron crushed and Osborne despondent. To see them miss this own goal and descend into bitter recrimination. To think that however bad things have become, they haven't got so bad that we would make that mistake again. This may be the worst reason for voting. But right now, after watching them all in the debates, it also feels like the only reason in much of the country (apart from where there are good Labour and Liberal MPs)."

Ultimately, I'm a socialist, I think...my father ingrained in me the importance and power of the unions to allow the people and the industries a voice. I'm interested in politics, yes because of what I need and believe I'm entitled to, but also because it allows others to have a voice and a chance in life which others would deny them. I'm more comfortable with the current pattern of the Labour government's decisions about the economy and with the policies they have adopted and implemented to make parenting more supported and healthcare more accessible.

But I'm unhappy with the system of voting currently at play in this country and am impressed by the Liberals policy on proportional representation and their suggested one off amnesty for illegal immigrants to get them out of the hands of illegal criminal gangs.

Hmmmm....what to do...I won't be voting Tory but other than that, I'm still making my mind up!

Why You Should Vote

2010-04-30T13:10:00.000+01:00

See Dave Walker's post and cartoon here:
http://www.churchtimes.co.uk/blog_post.asp?id=93804 and his other helpful links to other resources.